handmade circus freak

I hate my so called friends.

2011-05-15T22:24:00.000-07:00

First of all, this has been the longest time ... but I'm feeling like writing again so here I am.

It's funny how sometime you don't need it, or don't want to need it to spit at people or make them understand what you feel.

This one goes out to myself, my so called friends and my friends.

I got kicked out of my studio, so now I've been searching for a new one... with succes or that is what I hope to find on the 30 of june. Normally if everything goes the way I desire, Lucy will be staying with me more often and I would be livin' somewhere I actually like livin' ..

A lot has been going on the past few months my life has been a rollercoaster without tracks, but I think I'm ready to pick everything up again. Unfortunately I must announce that I have made up my mind and i'm quiting school and I'm seriously doubtin' about my future. I think I found some kinda way to go but it's still cloudy with a chance of failure.

I made some new work, some bad some good .. hahaha i think it's funny that most of the people around me recently don't have a clue what I do and who I am. Can't blame them I guess but still the last 3 weeks I have felt terrible alone, confused and hurt. It has become clear to me that trust is something I don't know or have, people are people and women are serpents and I am confusingly tired.

I miss my friends, I miss my real friends. I feel like I've been hangin' out to much with people who look and when they feel like it act like friends instead of the ones who really love me, the ones who truly care ..

I think I'm the one who has to say sorry for not seeing what I saw and I'm happy to know better then the backstabbin' idiots in my life.

New work .. or something that has to look like it:

Dedication to my so called friends_

Cry, cry, cry_ (a little book with more then 100 photo's of my crying)

New photo work, my boyfriend made these when I was not so willing to pose .. _

Tits and errors.

2011-03-13T22:39:00.000-07:00

I like to drown my problems in tequila and I love to complain but I was thinking that I'm the only one who can do this. I'm the only one who can be who I want to be. And all the bastards and bitches in my life are just one small aspect of the tears that I cry. The absence of my heart is not what I call worrying. It is a step ahead of those who think I'm stupid, those that keep pointing me out my mistakes. I nod yes, but boy do I got them fooled. 'Cause my bubbly pink brains know better, in Retard Ville we know best.

We know and feel that you're not a friend, we know and feel what your true thoughts are. I leave you hopping to let you take away everything that was mine, but you'll never be who I am. From this day (well actually the day before yesterday), I will quietly fight against those who show their boobs to get ahead of me.

I'm alone, and I stand where I stand, I'm happy and I don't need them to get where I will be. I know there is a lot of myself to explore, and from now on I will dance like the best, I won't colour like any other would and I'll bleed as a heroine. Hey bitches and dickheads, just remember ...

BABY WILL GET WHAT SHE WANTS, 'CAUSE SHE DON'T MIND SLICING SOME THROATS ♥

With love,

Retard

occasionally it's stronger than myself

2011-03-02T12:48:00.000-08:00

How I feel is like a blank page in the life of a masochist, my insatiable thirst for pain ( or so it seems ).

My body is disgusting, my face is not worth looking at. This is the ugly truth of how he makes me feel, I don't feel good enough for anybody anymore. For him it's over, he doesn't give shits about my pain, he just keeps strummin' his guitar, travellin' from town to town. Probably sleepin' with girls all around ..

In the meanwhile I'm just laying on my cold and dirty floor, giving up on all my dreams. It just seems unreal to me that they keep making me swallow all of this shit.

Bobbin why do you make me cry ?

Camden made me cry.

2011-02-24T01:51:00.000-08:00

It's ridiculous how often I've cried and found myself screaming to this song, trying to convince myself that you no longer are what I want. Trying to convince myself that you are banished from my mind but I lie to myself, I'm the biggest liar there is. So there I was crying on the toilet, in a pub in Camden the place where you told me you live.

I tried with both hands and both feet to hold on to myself, the devils you've released in my head are unbearable.

All I wanted was to run as fast as I could, and catch that train under water far away from everything that reminds me of you.

You told me I was beatifull but that could be a lie.

I still, every day feel like you have stolen something from me, you've taken something away from me what I cherished. Mean mean man, you've maimed this little blonde girl's heart, all the good I believed in you destroyed.

It frightens me that the gaping wound in my chest controls my life. I'm so naive that I still believe in the goodness in him, I'm so naive that I make up every day one thousands of reasons why. I have to believe everything he said was no lie, I must believe that he spoke the truth otherwise I rather just lay down and die.

Uncertainty hurts and love does'nt exist, but my heart hurts. I'm desperately looking for a ticket out. 'Cause even though I tell myself the lies and I oblige myself to believe them ... as long as he is this silent being in my life I guess I should know better.

I'm being punished.

I MIGHT AS WELL LAY DOWN AND DIE, 'CAUSE I AIN'T LEAVING HERE ALIVE.

My fingers are cold.

2011-02-07T13:25:00.000-08:00

She gave him every last part of tenderness, she gave him everything she had, she was young and blond. He didn't care to hang around, smoked his last cigarette, stuck his tongue for one last time in her throat and extinguished the fire in his heart.

He left her without looking back, chained to shame, disgust and heartache she stayed behind. Crying like a baby, praying to the dull knife she clings in her hands. The love she once drank so greedily, now merely is a choking.

She fills my mirror with the face of the beaten girl, it's an ugly display. But in the end, I should have known that a damned soul as yours can't care about a little girl who wants to caress your heart.

Two days ago I had a dream. He was laying beside me in bed, his hands stroked my face, the tears moistened my pillow. His soft hands that stroked my face appeared to be nothing but dirty, dead, broken bones. They scraped the skin of my cheeks and cut my tongue out of my mouth. He left the bed, dumped me in my bloody state, I wonder why he tortures my mind so? The silence is empty and my lips are dry, his smell has left my bed.

They tell me it isn't me, it's you. But I believe it's me because of you. I don't want you anymore, but craving you I will always do.

I think I have to vomit, all over your fancy suit.

2011-01-30T13:45:00.000-08:00

-I'm the fucking queen of all the weepers,

suck it bitch or leave me the fuck alone.-

Recent weeks have been a fuzzy, nasty stain on my brain. I try to drink away my sorrow, I emptied every glass and popped all the pills. I don't think there's a cure for the pain I've been undergoing the last year.

Sometimes I feel nothin', sometimes I feel everything at once. Some days feel like a thousand knives piercing my body, as if my heart was ripped out of my chest but most days are a routine of pain, a pain that is a habit. My scars itch and the new ones hurt 'cause healing is difficult in a period of inflammation.

People are strange creatures, they crawl under my skin and they tear me apart.

Recently my eyes are full of disappointment. All my friends are dead, it seems that the scene has drowned in a sea of uniforms, freaks in uniforms to me ...

When I grow up (if that day ever comes) I don't want to be like them, I refuse to ever lose my passion and desire for this life. People ask me why my tongue has become so sharp, why I feel the need to bark the way I do. I think they are afraid of the truth I'm spittin' there way.

You should all take a good look at the reflection lookin' back at you, gossip, prejudice, lies and deceit is all you seem to care for. You aren't humans to me but beasts waiting for a poor defenseless victim to slaughter.

The sharp teeth touched me deeply, but a few scars more or less ... who gives a damn.

After much doubt, I took his record and broke it ( don't get me wrong I love his band, I just hate what he did to me). I broke it like he has broken the last part of my body that believed in love. 'Cause of his dirty fingers, I loathe myself. Why would he put me in this state of mind, he's not a man he's a coward. I'm in the stage of anger, I want you to feel my pain. I hope you drown in your lies that you dressed up so pretty, I'm honest you've hurt my pride. This was a slap in the face I can't erase, it's just not okay.

Misery that is all you've given me ...

This is a tribute to the man who in my eyes just saw me as piece of entertainment, as a little blonde clown, I gave in to all his desires, and then I was left waiting. Waiting as a silly girl, being ignored but still hoping... But I've started bleeding, it started to hurt ... all I wanted was to bleed you're way.

I cry, I'm a weeper ... but I won't let the bastard get me down. I have to stand up and fight.

And if he ever has the guts to cross my path again my nails will be scraping the skin of his chest. And then I'll tear out his heart and eat it. Greedy, hurt and tough as I am.

SHIT

2011-01-27T12:56:00.001-08:00

So hello,

Haven't been here for some time ( wellll in my eyes), I just haven't been able to get the right words to flow from my fingers. Slowly but surely I'm standing up, this time on my own.

The amount of pain I had and still have to swallow compensates the endless pills I pop, my eyes are tired and my energy is gone. He has released something in me, somehow I seem tougher.

Intentionally, I spat on most people around me, I deliberately removed them from my life.

I have stripped myself of everything that made me suffer, no tears and no regrets. So teh attitude of the week, if he chooses not to be part of my world thats his mistake, I'll be all that he will never have.

I waited anxiously, like a stupid girl wobbling on her chair I waited. I do regret all the time I've wasted on you ..

I regret knowing you, 'cause after all .. you are nothing BUT A FUCKING LIAR, WITH A STRAIGHT FACE YOU TOLD ME HOW MUCH YOU LIKED ME, YOU SAID I'LL SPEAK TO YOU EVERYDAY BLABLABBLAAA ... YOU ARE SUCK A FUCKING LIAAAAAR, YOU AS DUMB AS YOU'RE DICK, YOU ARE NOTHING TO ME ANYMORE, I FUCKING HATE YOU SO MUCH FOR MESSING ME UP LIKE THIS, I HATE YOU FOR MAKING ME FEEL LIKE AN UGLY STUPID DUMBASS SLUT, I HATE YOU FOR TREATING ME THE WAY YOU DID, IF I FUCKING COULD IF I JUST COULD I WOULD FUCKING STRANGLE YOU, I HATE WHAT YOU DID TO ME, YOU BROKE THE LAST PIECE OF ME THAT BELIEVED IN LOVE, YOU BROKE IT, 'CAUSE OF YOU MY BED SMELLS LIKE DEATH.

WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME, JUST BECAUSE YOU ACTED LIKE AND ASSHOLE AND I CALLED YOU ONE.

FUCKING COWARD ....

So okay this wasn't what I planned to write down but it happend .... I don't know what to write or how to write it anymore.

Sorry.

Grrrnjbsjflkjshlfhlhfoerhhgrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I'm lost and I found my way down

2011-01-18T06:43:00.000-08:00

All day I lie on the cold floor, my eyes staring at the wall, my clothes drenched in blood this time from freshly milked from my own veins. My imagination is my rescue and I prefer my floating lifeless world above reality. I seem to be this unstable girl, an unstable girl who craves him. He who tore her into a thousand pieces, he who is unaware of the damage he has created. He opened doors in my mind that only lead to the damnation of my existence, he triggerd things I never wanted to feel ever again. I slowly slip away in my endless narcotic state of mind, I need all the things I never wanted to need ever again.

I no longer believe in love, love is dead. My heart is a redundant organ, a burden I must carry through this life.

I wonder if he ever cared about me at all, I wonder if his words ever have contained some kind of truth.

I know one thing for shure, I'm sick of being played and lied to, so this is my goodbye.

Love is a rejection that I can no longer swallow, he's the only salvation I will accept.

these evil things

2011-01-11T03:13:00.000-08:00

you think that you want it are you so sure

This aint no game were playing truly were pure

Your laughing but your lieing you don’t understand

I hold the demons back your life’s in my hands

I carry the word sometimes

wrapped in my pretty tunes

Sometimes the chosen hear

and they know just what to do

You must be like us

to penetrate this room

I cant see why you don’t understand

I hold your life in the palm of my hand

These evil things I struggle to control

Are from the darkest place in my soul

My kin are all around

they cover you like pearls

Speak to me my demons bright

my hell spawned boys and girls

They’ll seek you out my friend

and keep you from our world

I beg you please leave this thing alone

What you think is happening is to far from home

don’t wake the demons I try to hide

Just take the other path and leave us out side

The meteors- these evil things, This song, I play it all day long.

This is all I have to say.

I guess you could say I'm happy, just happy

2011-01-01T04:45:00.000-08:00

Goodmorning to you! from Betty-Sue Depreitere on Vimeo.

-This is me in the early morning being happy, dancing through my little house-

After 3 hours of sleep after a night of laughter. It hurts in the morning but it was worth it! Hey, I'm talking about my feet (Bllggrhgrh my shoes), I'm blessed after the bingin' my hangover didn't seem to come banging on my head! I have an empty mouth, it was a memorable evening. Although I didn't get what my heart desired, even though my heart is sick from being broken. I refuse to hang my head for blind eyes, I'll just put on my nose and I'll parade. But still .. I woke up in my bed alone, in a rush of wild dreams and desires. Full of questions, my empty mouth is full of questions. Why do little blonde retarted girls never get what they want? I promise I'll be sweet if you'd just give me my ways.. I promise I'll be on my worst behavior if you walk my road. My winding road, my road full of crocodiles oh how I love my road.. I hop through life empty-handed but still that doesn't bring me down.

-the morning after is always worth taking a picture, sleepy eyes!-

I'll never regret staying awake, I'll never regret any mistake I make but I do regret not having him who says he has a crocodile tongue around, I do regret not knowing what that could have been. Thats the first and last regret of the the year 2011 and I'll carry it with me like a ball and chain 'cause I know he ain't just a guy... he's something I'll crave for when I'm hunrgy. I'll keep wanting to bleed his way, I'll keep pushing all the others away just for him. I love my life and everything in it, and this makes me sad but I'll keep smiling untill I'm dead.

I'm a girl, I'm a blonde girl, I'm a blonde retarted girl, I'm a little blonde retarted girl and I'll always will be, for the clown in me never ever sleeps.

The last one of the year, blablabla

2010-12-31T09:10:00.000-08:00

-Ready to make em drop dead!-

The last of the year, I can't say any more than it's been a bumpy year again. This blonde retardted girl swims through the waters, fighting with sharks and surrounded by crocodiles. My smile is something they will never diminish, and my heart is a lost organ. But one day I will find what I'm looking for, one day I will be worshiped the I should be!

Yeah yeah I hate corny stuff, BUT ALRIGHT ... HAPPY NEWYEAR MOTHERFUCKERS !

when retards are to blame, part 2

2010-12-29T08:25:00.001-08:00

My eyes are swollen from crying and I'm drowning myself in a bath with pink bubbles. Little retarted blond girls like me are sweet and have a ridiculously soft heart but still they get dumped time after time. It seems she's doomed to be the lonely one, he sang that there's no mercy for the lonely boy. I ask myself why are you being so hard to the lonely girl then, if all you wanted was to be heard and loved. Why push me away, why are you so unattainable?

I spend all my days with you on my mind, and I get it this is how a heart feels when it broken. I don't think I deserve this punishment, why should a little retarted blonde girl be in so much pain because she cares about you?

I'm so speechless but the words fall from my tongue, I'm hurting so badly, I'm bleeding and I wonder can I bleed your way? Or is this really the end of the short but intense pleasure that I feel for you, do you really want me gone? Are you're tired of me already? Or is this just a cruel game that you play?

I repeat myself again and again, I'm sorry from the bottom of my heart. I wish you were here ...

when retards are to blame

2010-12-29T06:47:00.000-08:00

I can't explain how much it hurts, how my heart can no longer bare this torture. Now I've been crying since yesterday and haven't stopped since, I'm being ignored and my dirty mouth is to blame. I didn't look through my eyes and saw only my inside, for that I'm so sorry. I miss him already, I miss his presence. I'll try to wait patiently waking up everyday hoping he still cares. I refuse letting this go, have you ever had the feeliing that something so wrong and out of place seems to be so right? I'm so scared I've ruined everything by my own stupidity. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't think and all I wanna do is lie on the cold floor and let go of everything that makes this body breathe. He haunts my mind, there's no second that I don't think about him. I'm on my knees, hoping that he will forgive me, hoping he'll see how much I care but silence speaks louder than words and I'm afraid that he doens't want me anymore. I'm honest and I need you, I'm honest and I'm alone. I can choose any other, but you're the only one I want.

I don't know maybe he wants me to give up on him, maybe I should .. it pains me, it makes me cry. I'm afraid I don't want to, I don't want to give up on him.

I've seen better days, but I got to believe he'll be back, I got to believe he'll see that I spat out the words I never wanted to say. I have to believe he knows that this girl has been refusing every lover on her path until the day she met him, he has to .. he just has to ...

And if he doesn't then scrape me off the floor because my sad heart can't do this anymore, ...

no words needed

2010-12-28T06:25:00.000-08:00

I can't be more honest, I'll keep crying until it's all okay again. My tears are flowing down my face for you and nobody else.

I wrote you 'cause I was hoping you would read it, and because I'm a retard

2010-12-27T09:40:00.000-08:00

My eyes are swollen and my tongue will tell all, every secret that my heart contains. I don't know where I stand, and the tears flow over my pink cheeks. My heart stopped beating and I need something to open my eyes. I guess you just don't want me, I think you make me insecure.

I'm falling for you, and it feels like the harder I fall the more you push me away. I don't fucking understand it, I don't see it and I can't help it. Why would you sleep in my bed and then act as if you and me don't seem to be anything?

My mouth just spits the truth and my heart yearns for what I find so wonderful about you. I want everything you have to offer, good or bad. I don't think you know what you've done to my head, and I ask you don't walk away, don't leave me bleeding like this ..

I was never happier than the day you talked to me, and nothing was so overwhelming then your lips on mine.

I just can't let this feeling go, and if that means I must play the fool, I will and if that means I must suffer pain, then I'll suffer. I'm so afraid to throw my feelings in your face. I'm afraid you'll just run away.

I barely know you, but that was enough to make my head spin. You do things to me I would never allow but for some bizarre reason, you can. For some reason I'd let you in, for some reason I'd let you see inside my rotting heart. I have no words to say what I want, and I know this is a risk. I wanna reveal myself to you, but my fear runs deep. Kiss me, kiss me hard. Tell me I don't have to fear rejection, tell me all your words were honest and your lust sincere. I wish you could read my mind, I wish you could see my smile every time I think about you. I wish my heart didn't hurt by the uncertainty I feel.

I know I must be real about this, but I don't want to and I don't care all I want always seems to be what I can't get.

It feels like I'm just sitting here doing time, looking for a sign.

I got this fever, this nasty fever for you boy. Come and be my cure, write me a thousand songs and lick my toes, making me giggle.

I don' know how your blood flows through your veins and I don't know how ugly your tongue is but I'll show you mine if you show me yours.

Until the day that I grow up, my fingernails are painted pink

2010-12-26T01:53:00.000-08:00

The morning after, I think I'm still loveable haha!

Help help, the photographer was drunk and wasn't able to find her feet! After many glasses that I've left behind at the bar, came the walk of shame home. It has been a very long time that I couldn't control myself and had to ask for a helping hand. I always stand my ground but this time I was in some bad luck. It must have been a funny sight, and definitely a photo opportunity, haha ! I like not being responsible for my actions (or making people believe I'm not), and I love being young. First I was ashamed but why? Yes I was a fucking mess, I was literally on the floor and everything around me floated. I'll promise myself never to do this again to myself, I promise myself to do this a thousand times over and over again. 'Cause I wouldn't be young if I wasn't passed out, sitting outside on the floor beside the door of the bar where we wear our hours. I wouldn't be young if I would know my limits and I wouldn't be young if I didn't made a fool of myself with grace and a smile!

Jolly fragments of images, they are floating in my head. I smoke a cigarette, drink my tea and listen to the music that over and over again makes my heart beat like a psychopath.

Like a cat without legs I climbed in my bed telling myself: "the last of the great finally lies in her bed, goodnight princess retard."

Babbling these lonely nights away

2010-12-23T15:37:00.000-08:00

Today was the last day of the stressful week, so to celebrate a good friend of mine treated me cigarettes and hot chocolate. As usual I had a mouthful to say and the hours flew by. The wise words that filled my ears, my eyes were opened and my tongue was dry. But the doubt swirls in my head and I don't know how to handle myself around the problem.

This is the problem, I want to bite his ears and put naughty words on his tongue. But I don't know if his tongue is trustworthy, and the eternal doubt and uncertainty makes me vomit all his saliva. I've been lying here for days now, crawling, tossing and turning, crying .. drenched in my own blood. The masochist in me is eager to make use of all tortures. But the little blond girl in me cries out for attention, screaming for his affectionate words. He seems unreachable and grumpy, he seems reluctant to share his tongue.He looks dead and I think I now know that I just made the last attempt. I think I should let it go, and maybe he'll be crawling back, licking my toes making me giggle. I can't stop smiling, and I'm making a wish secretly, secretly I yearn. And one day I'll get what I want, and as little girls do, I'll be licking, kissing, cuddling and loving it for as long as I feel these weird things I feel.

I'm a real weeper for love and a whore for art, but I never find what I seek, and when I do they don't see my invisible me. I won't be chasing you no longer, I've started running so come catch me if you can...

I'm so babbling this night away, I'm just so not me at the moment. Oh what a shame I'm just talking to myself again. I guess I'll just have to satisfy myself if they ain't comin' around.

So here's my goodbye, my see you lator ... and I would have blown you a kiss but you just don't deserve any.

I'm not as blind as they would like me to be

2010-12-23T00:27:00.000-08:00

After a turbulent night, the answers are still far away and very realistic concerns caught me by suprise. But I can't help to laugh, In this life I stand alone, and finding a lover is the hardest thing, 'cause I ain't searching Haha. But I know that one day I will get rid of everyone's ugly heads and then I'll strike them with astonishment. I know I'm invisible right now, but give me some time and I'll rip you all to shreds. I'm not just that little girl, I'm that little blonde retardted girl who doens't bend for the ones who try to intoxicate her with pink saliva. To me it seems everybody is suffocating trying to exsist, but I hop through life and I prefer the pain than act like I don't care. I'd rather be a weeper then a liar, I'd rather be a a murderer then a backstabber. I prefer being on my own, I prefer not to trust people anymore. But my perseverance is more like cotton candy, I will always be caught in the golden cage of lies, sweet talk and them who will grant me my desires to then run away. But the torture is known and the lesson almost learned. I got greedy hands and a wet tongue, but those awkward moments will be the ones I cherish. I will never beg or please, and I refuse to crawl on my knees unless for the purpose of enjoyment.

I had to vomit at the thought of all the saliva in my ears and fingers in my throat. Gladly I'll sell my soul to the devil, with pleasure I'll break all your toes, prop me full of pills, tie me down to my bed. You will never touch my sick mind, I'll drink my poison everyday.

I'm a mess you'll never be able to put straight.

Im a mess, what can i say?

Im a mess every night and day

Im a mess if i go to work

Im a mess and too big of a flirt

Im a mess when im laying down

Im a mess when im out of the town

Im a mess whats it all about?

Im a mess so just put me out

Im a mess when i talk on the phone

Im a mess if im all alone

Im a mess and i drink too much

Im a mess and im so outta touch

Im a mess when you are around

Im a mess and im falling down

Im a mess when im thinking of you

Im a mess and im turning blue

Im a mess, Im a mess, Im a mess....

-Fabulous disaster-

fool I am

2010-12-21T15:22:00.000-08:00

-Retards have more fun but get fucked up to much.-

Why do I always bang my head against the chests of the tortured men with no conscience. Why am I always treated so unkind, it kinda makes me laugh now. Am I really this piece of meat, and all they want is just a taste... And then when I meet a guy who to me looks mighty fine I just know he will get rid of me that's for sure, I was good enough for sharing them nights. So I can't help thinking, just take you're guitar and get out of my fucking sight. I'm not a toy, I'm nobody's baby. And if you want me you'll have to crawl, if you want me you'll have to do more then sweet talk me when you're drunk. If you think you will impress me with your fancy suits and strumming that guitar so fine, if you think your dirty words will get the job done. Oh my sweet boy you're oh so wrong, why can't you see I'm this twisted girl that can twist so fine if you would only care to have the time.

I will never surrender, but you make me drool. So stop letting me feel like I'm a fool.

I sigh, of all the assholes in the world I liked you the most.. but I'm afraid you just lied you're face of telling me how much you liked me, I guess this is just what blonde retards like me do.

After a while it just starts to get funny the way they play with my mind, Oh lord what can I say .. I'll always play the fool!

I weep smiling

2010-12-21T11:36:00.000-08:00

I can't help myself I can't resist, the tears flow down my cheeks, they are still salty. I feel so useless, I'm so tired of walking alone. My body hurts and the shame dominates my thoughts, I humbly kneel down and put my head between his legs. Hoping his hands will caress my blonde hair. I just close my eyes and hope that one day, he really will be real to me. That the illusion in my head will be clear and not blurred. My reflection is hard and ugly, bleeding I drag myself through life. My reflection is a failure with the incredible talent to hide her heart and never asks for what she craves. I'm not what I seem to be, I'm a big lie. Nobody wants me, it seems to me I'm a damaged piece and just to broken. Spread the news, quickly hurry the dirty tongues and the vultures will be eager to crush me. Oh the sensation .. I'm still on my knees, I'm nothing and I obey those who want to destroy me. I yearn for pain to feel I'm alive, I want to see blood drip on the bathroom floor. I'm afraid of myself in the dark hours. I'm a curse for your ears and a lump in your heart. I feel the constant urge to run away, like I've always done.

In my chest is a gaping wound, a black rotting heart. I can no longer beg, I'm so tired. I'm no longer afraid of my disgusting bones and I'm not afraid of my self-inflicted pain. I tried to kill it, but I remember every second of anything which helped me further into my world of damnation. It's clear to me, good things come for those who wait. But I'm tired, I'm really tired of it all.

I'm so sick of always being trouble, I'm so sick of singing the blues, I'm so sick of being sick.

There are no words to explain why my body repeatedly smacking the ground can't no longer swallow all the dirty fingers. I'm alone and the thought of this reality is frightening, I ask you one last time, lick my tears. If it's not to much trouble .. lick em and take care of poor me. I'll always weep smiling, I'll always be grateful and I'm honestly really happy. But deep inside, there's no lies, deep down, everything is broken.

Go ahead an put me back in my cage.. I said GO AHEAD AND DO IT!

All I can say is nothing.

2010-12-21T07:08:00.000-08:00

This is me being sick, haha ..

I woke up drenched in sweat, sick as a dog. I hovered over the toilet and saw the color of my cheeks disappear. But I totally dragged myself out and I was on time for my jury and I did well, sometimes I can't believe I doubt myself so much. Being sick isn't that bad when you can lie in the sofa under your favorite blanket, with some tea. My stomach is hungry, and my fingers are uninspired... My head hasn't been this empty in months .. maybe this is my way of gettin rid of all the stress I had. I'm just such a waste of space at the moment, like the dead flowers in my bookcase.

I'm an empty bag, a useless sack of guts. I'm confused and happy at the same time, isn't that weird? Pff I can't write I'm wondering what the hell is going on ... Maybe just try again in a few days ...

Slave girl. from Betty-Sue Depreitere on Vimeo.

I like this one the best, I should make some new when I get better.

there is only so much that this mouth can do ..

2010-12-20T12:51:00.000-08:00

My dolly dollhouse, this is some new work I made. Bleeding parts of a house wrapped in plastic, silently crying like the thoughts in my head, trapped. it looks better in real life, it's one good start I think! They should only be better prepared and more dramatically .. but that's my opinion. Haha I'm very insecure about this work, but I am about all my work. I wonder sometimes if my fingers are properly used and if I'm not just trying to be something I'm not ... but then again I don't have a fucking idea what I should be AArrrGghh I think the fucking nerves started to kick in .. I'm about to scream. Time for tea and a sigaret !

-this is a still from the baddest trying to make a short film thing ever ...-

Wordless silence and hungry eyes, I can feel their fingers picking at my wounds. They adore my glistening meat in front of them strutting these streets. I can only bite my lip anxiously, waiting for he who will bring my salvation, he who will licks my toes with his crocodile tongue. I can hardly wait .. your heart and my greedy mouth.

I'm confused and I yearn, I'm unable to write down what I mean ..

sugar laced talking and tea

2010-12-16T11:50:00.000-08:00

The craving was too big and my fingers got greedy, my bed was warm and his hands were sweet. Oh dear lord I told myself so many times, no guys, I told myself never to let love crawl down my door, but it was too late. His hungry eyes trapped me. I'm desperately unhappy and incredibly enthusiastic, he's close but far away. He doesn't seem interested in my ugly tongue, he wouldn't or maybe wasn't able to hold my rotting heart. But I feel that I want to eat him, I want to lick his wounds to the bone. I want to hold him and promise him my world will swallow him in the puddles of blood that I've created. I want to wake up and stare at his bloodshot blue eyes, I want to wake up and forget he exists. I wrap myself in the eternal torture, I wrap myself in the damned words he should have never spoken. I want him to turn his back on me, I want him to break my heart. Each toe that he licked I wanna tear of my feet. He makes me crave for more, he makes me giggle, he makes me happy .. but I know that's only temporary and the quiet hours after he left are terrible. The uncertainty in my mind that he has brought is painful, I don't want to be uncertain. I hate being in this state, I hate this so much. But I can't keep my hands to myself and I know I'll lure him to my bed agian and again,.. I want him to tear me apart, I'll voluntarily undergo the torture that he has in store but as long as he keeps running, it remains an unattainable longing and lust for this littke blonde girl.

I lie on the ground and I breathe, I whisper his name and break my fingers. I'm back to wasting all my blood, I'm bleeding to death and there's no salvation anymore... not this time.

Today I'm very melodramatic...

2010-12-07T10:01:00.000-08:00

These words have been burning on my lips for weeks, so here they come...

This year has been a rollercoaster of bleeding fists, broken hearts and broken bones. And on the way there have been many who have cared for me, many who have mistreated me and some that broke my heart. I felt like I was standing on an edge, a depth that to me was invincible. Looking at the scars that I have to drag through my life, licking the wounds that are still healing. After all the blood that I've wasted I know better ..

I voluntarily and knowingly bombed and destroyed many of my bridges . I spewed out all the vultures and rats in my life. I refused to be their victim of superficial torture. I have brought this evil on myself and now their eyes kill me. But it's okay, they don't know me so it's okay.

I survive this life thanks my dad who means the world to me, my father grabbed me at my lowest and pulled me up. My father usually has no idea what I'm talking about, but .. he always knows when I need to be saved. No other in this life has burned his hands so hard by stabbing them in to the fire for me. I know I maybe don't tell you often enough how much you mean to me but dad you are my hero, I would amputate every part of me with a blunt knife for you. My gratitude is more than words can describe, I know at times I'm difficult, I know I'm demanding ..and most of the time a pain in the ass but I am so grateful I'm you're daughter. I love you and I'm so proud of you ( you know why ).

I survive this life thanks to friends who are still around, even those I hardly see and the ones I hardly speak with.

You guys ... It's hard to analyze up to you to separate people. You guys are my fucking world, my friends who never left me hanging. Guys what can I say. Hours you listen to my complaining, you catch me when I fall, you defend me when I get fists on my face. You guys mean a lot to me, you guys are the best friends a little blonde girl could wish for. I don't know how to express myself without you guys making fun of me, haha ... You are no mealy, corny boys so it's hard saying sweet thing to you. But you know one for all and all for one. I hope this can stay this way forever.

The ex, you have torn me apart and broken my heart and put me through hell, but you are forgiven you are a friend now and I won't look back. I just won't care anymore 'cause you have shown me that you still got my back after all the shit we went through.

The guy I used to live with, You know who you are.. (and if you don't then oopsydaisy) you were there every day when my world collapsed, I've often thought of you anything but a true friend. But I now know that not everyone screams as loud as me. And I'm grateful for your wise words that filled my ears when I was sitting in the living room crying, and although we don't hear or see eachother as often as before, I will never forget what you've done for me. In my heart you are a friend and always will be.

The girl who lives in my block with the long black hairs you're unbelievable, you're like my other half sometimes. The love I have for you, I cherish you as a sister. We have cried a thousand tears togheter,we have had dark days and didn't know how to fix our terrible state of mind. You gave me the most beautiful summer, and since you are in my life I feel like I will never be alone. It doens't matter how hard I'm screaming and banging my fists through the wall you never seem to walk away from me, you embrace my defects you hug me and then you always say it's all gonna be okay... you make me calm, you reassures me. Thank you for everything.

Little miss vixen. You are the most valuable asset in my life, to meet you again was the best thing that happened to me. You're the rock in my life, you were my salvation. Without you I would have rotted away a long time ago. I was ready to jump but you ruined the morbid thoughts being a huge cushion that broke my fall. You make every day better when you're around, you make me happy and strong. You make me feel like I can do anything, thank you my love.

All the people I've met this year, I've rediscovered my life and I'm so grateful. You know who you are. I'm grateful for all the support I get from unexpected quarters. I'm always surprised by the unconditional love I get from people I barely know. The listening ear that they offer and how they always show me that I am doing well. I ask no forgiveness for my sins, and I'm grateful for everything that happened. I will keep dancing on the dirty rock'n'roll that licks my ears and I know my destiny in this life. I'm a wild one and will always remain a wild one. This little blond retard hopes she has chosen the right words to tell everybody how much she appreciates that you're here. Yes I'm not good at this stuff ... I don't want to forget anybody, but I probably did...

PS: I like you coming over here so I'll hope the conversations are even better .. blablabla yeah damn crap hahaha I'm gonna shut up.

stupid girl

2010-12-06T06:20:00.000-08:00

A stupid little blonde girl, she lays her head on the ground and she cries. Her eyes were blind, and her heart upset, how could she be so stupid? She is a fool for all the beautiful fabrications that she had fabricated. There were many protests against her desires but she let her heart flood with his words. As suddenly as it came it was gone, I craved him. But I'm not enough, I'm not like the girl that they want. I'm just not the girl your mother would approve.

I'm looking for all the things you crave, and I feel connected to your empty heart, I would love to be everything you deserve. My head screams your name, I hate this. I have to run for my life, I must run away from the pain that is possible and then I'll drink away my obsession. Fuck it's too late, why am I so stupid?

I am thoroughly bad, I want that guy and I have no reason why.

This life offers me everything I want, but the desires are ignored and love keeps running away from me.

I beg you ... break my heart a thousand times and tell me you love me. I beg you, mistreat me and be the guy that I've been waiting for. I'm lonely, I'm everything I knew I would be.

I want to read your words, because they might mean more than you think.