speechless solitude

I'm tired, I'm alone and I'm lonely. I still think about you every day, you're an indelible stain on my heart. In this city I've only found broken love, false friendships and voids that I find are terribly elusive. Don't get me wrong I have found great friendships and wonderful people to hang out with but the pain dominates my happy thoughts at the moment. Sometimes I think I am slowly going crazy, like I'm losing my mind. How can something feel so strong but then feel so empty? Working for school is currently too much for my body to endure, sleeping hurts 'cause dreaming means you being there all the time and waking makes me cry 'cause then I realize it was all just a dream, a silly dream thinking that all you said might have been true.

Panic attacks dominate my evenings and my stomach ache makes me shudder in disgust. I am disgusted with myself for who I am because I have no idea what I should be. Because I'm lost because I'm a drowning crocodile in a pond full nets. They want to catch me, they want to hurt me I'm afraid of everyone. My confidence has been shattered, beaten to death and I feel so damn alone. I'm afraid of myself, I am able to do things that I've suppressed for so long. But my body is screaming, my hands bleeding and my eyes are tired. My heart is slowly dying. I yearn for the good days, I yearn for love. I doubt myself, I repeat, every situation every day in my mind. And then I think, maybe it's all my fault, maybe I got my finger pointed to the wrong direction. Did I helped myself to hell? I can barely breathe at the thought, the lost thoughts of this lost girl. Who the fuck am I, what I want from my life? I'm not a quitter, but I'm unsure. And that uncertainty puts a block on my hands, my given talent. I have reached out as far as I could, I'm standing on the tips of my toes. Bleeding and sweating, I keep crawling until the day my salvation comes, sweet sweet salvation.. I'm still alone and lonely but I'm smart and I know that tomorrow is another day. And I know that maybe one day will be the day that everything goes my way.

He will always be what I never have been able to eat completely, in my eyes he will always be something that has never been so great. He will always be a hero in the darkest period of the year 2010. He was never bad in my eyes but my eyes blurred, so now my heart doesn't know what to trust, but a hero he will always be..

-Pencil drawings are finally finished, now the rest!-