I hate my so called friends.

First of all, this has been the longest time ... but I'm feeling like writing again so here I am.

It's funny how sometime you don't need it, or don't want to need it to spit at people or make them understand what you feel.

This one goes out to myself, my so called friends and my friends.

I got kicked out of my studio, so now I've been searching for a new one... with succes or that is what I hope to find on the 30 of june. Normally if everything goes the way I desire, Lucy will be staying with me more often and I would be livin' somewhere I actually like livin' ..

A lot has been going on the past few months my life has been a rollercoaster without tracks, but I think I'm ready to pick everything up again. Unfortunately I must announce that I have made up my mind and i'm quiting school and I'm seriously doubtin' about my future. I think I found some kinda way to go but it's still cloudy with a chance of failure.

I made some new work, some bad some good .. hahaha i think it's funny that most of the people around me recently don't have a clue what I do and who I am. Can't blame them I guess but still the last 3 weeks I have felt terrible alone, confused and hurt. It has become clear to me that trust is something I don't know or have, people are people and women are serpents and I am confusingly tired.

I miss my friends, I miss my real friends. I feel like I've been hangin' out to much with people who look and when they feel like it act like friends instead of the ones who really love me, the ones who truly care ..

I think I'm the one who has to say sorry for not seeing what I saw and I'm happy to know better then the backstabbin' idiots in my life.

New work .. or something that has to look like it:

Dedication to my so called friends_

Cry, cry, cry_ (a little book with more then 100 photo's of my crying)

New photo work, my boyfriend made these when I was not so willing to pose .. _

Tits and errors.

I like to drown my problems in tequila and I love to complain but I was thinking that I'm the only one who can do this. I'm the only one who can be who I want to be. And all the bastards and bitches in my life are just one small aspect of the tears that I cry. The absence of my heart is not what I call worrying. It is a step ahead of those who think I'm stupid, those that keep pointing me out my mistakes. I nod yes, but boy do I got them fooled. 'Cause my bubbly pink brains know better, in Retard Ville we know best.

We know and feel that you're not a friend, we know and feel what your true thoughts are. I leave you hopping to let you take away everything that was mine, but you'll never be who I am. From this day (well actually the day before yesterday), I will quietly fight against those who show their boobs to get ahead of me.

I'm alone, and I stand where I stand, I'm happy and I don't need them to get where I will be. I know there is a lot of myself to explore, and from now on I will dance like the best, I won't colour like any other would and I'll bleed as a heroine. Hey bitches and dickheads, just remember ...

BABY WILL GET WHAT SHE WANTS, 'CAUSE SHE DON'T MIND SLICING SOME THROATS ♥

With love,

Retard

occasionally it's stronger than myself

How I feel is like a blank page in the life of a masochist, my insatiable thirst for pain ( or so it seems ).

My body is disgusting, my face is not worth looking at. This is the ugly truth of how he makes me feel, I don't feel good enough for anybody anymore. For him it's over, he doesn't give shits about my pain, he just keeps strummin' his guitar, travellin' from town to town. Probably sleepin' with girls all around ..

In the meanwhile I'm just laying on my cold and dirty floor, giving up on all my dreams. It just seems unreal to me that they keep making me swallow all of this shit.

Bobbin why do you make me cry ?

Camden made me cry.

It's ridiculous how often I've cried and found myself screaming to this song, trying to convince myself that you no longer are what I want. Trying to convince myself that you are banished from my mind but I lie to myself, I'm the biggest liar there is. So there I was crying on the toilet, in a pub in Camden the place where you told me you live.

I tried with both hands and both feet to hold on to myself, the devils you've released in my head are unbearable.

All I wanted was to run as fast as I could, and catch that train under water far away from everything that reminds me of you.

You told me I was beatifull but that could be a lie.

I still, every day feel like you have stolen something from me, you've taken something away from me what I cherished. Mean mean man, you've maimed this little blonde girl's heart, all the good I believed in you destroyed.

It frightens me that the gaping wound in my chest controls my life. I'm so naive that I still believe in the goodness in him, I'm so naive that I make up every day one thousands of reasons why. I have to believe everything he said was no lie, I must believe that he spoke the truth otherwise I rather just lay down and die.

Uncertainty hurts and love does'nt exist, but my heart hurts. I'm desperately looking for a ticket out. 'Cause even though I tell myself the lies and I oblige myself to believe them ... as long as he is this silent being in my life I guess I should know better.

I'm being punished.

I MIGHT AS WELL LAY DOWN AND DIE, 'CAUSE I AIN'T LEAVING HERE ALIVE.

My fingers are cold.

She gave him every last part of tenderness, she gave him everything she had, she was young and blond. He didn't care to hang around, smoked his last cigarette, stuck his tongue for one last time in her throat and extinguished the fire in his heart.

He left her without looking back, chained to shame, disgust and heartache she stayed behind. Crying like a baby, praying to the dull knife she clings in her hands. The love she once drank so greedily, now merely is a choking.

She fills my mirror with the face of the beaten girl, it's an ugly display. But in the end, I should have known that a damned soul as yours can't care about a little girl who wants to caress your heart.

Two days ago I had a dream. He was laying beside me in bed, his hands stroked my face, the tears moistened my pillow. His soft hands that stroked my face appeared to be nothing but dirty, dead, broken bones. They scraped the skin of my cheeks and cut my tongue out of my mouth. He left the bed, dumped me in my bloody state, I wonder why he tortures my mind so? The silence is empty and my lips are dry, his smell has left my bed.

They tell me it isn't me, it's you. But I believe it's me because of you. I don't want you anymore, but craving you I will always do.

I think I have to vomit, all over your fancy suit.

-I'm the fucking queen of all the weepers,

suck it bitch or leave me the fuck alone.-

Recent weeks have been a fuzzy, nasty stain on my brain. I try to drink away my sorrow, I emptied every glass and popped all the pills. I don't think there's a cure for the pain I've been undergoing the last year.

Sometimes I feel nothin', sometimes I feel everything at once. Some days feel like a thousand knives piercing my body, as if my heart was ripped out of my chest but most days are a routine of pain, a pain that is a habit. My scars itch and the new ones hurt 'cause healing is difficult in a period of inflammation.

People are strange creatures, they crawl under my skin and they tear me apart.

Recently my eyes are full of disappointment. All my friends are dead, it seems that the scene has drowned in a sea of uniforms, freaks in uniforms to me ...

When I grow up (if that day ever comes) I don't want to be like them, I refuse to ever lose my passion and desire for this life. People ask me why my tongue has become so sharp, why I feel the need to bark the way I do. I think they are afraid of the truth I'm spittin' there way.

You should all take a good look at the reflection lookin' back at you, gossip, prejudice, lies and deceit is all you seem to care for. You aren't humans to me but beasts waiting for a poor defenseless victim to slaughter.

The sharp teeth touched me deeply, but a few scars more or less ... who gives a damn.

After much doubt, I took his record and broke it ( don't get me wrong I love his band, I just hate what he did to me). I broke it like he has broken the last part of my body that believed in love. 'Cause of his dirty fingers, I loathe myself. Why would he put me in this state of mind, he's not a man he's a coward. I'm in the stage of anger, I want you to feel my pain. I hope you drown in your lies that you dressed up so pretty, I'm honest you've hurt my pride. This was a slap in the face I can't erase, it's just not okay.

Misery that is all you've given me ...

This is a tribute to the man who in my eyes just saw me as piece of entertainment, as a little blonde clown, I gave in to all his desires, and then I was left waiting. Waiting as a silly girl, being ignored but still hoping... But I've started bleeding, it started to hurt ... all I wanted was to bleed you're way.

I cry, I'm a weeper ... but I won't let the bastard get me down. I have to stand up and fight.

And if he ever has the guts to cross my path again my nails will be scraping the skin of his chest. And then I'll tear out his heart and eat it. Greedy, hurt and tough as I am.

SHIT

So hello,

Haven't been here for some time ( wellll in my eyes), I just haven't been able to get the right words to flow from my fingers. Slowly but surely I'm standing up, this time on my own.

The amount of pain I had and still have to swallow compensates the endless pills I pop, my eyes are tired and my energy is gone. He has released something in me, somehow I seem tougher.

Intentionally, I spat on most people around me, I deliberately removed them from my life.

I have stripped myself of everything that made me suffer, no tears and no regrets. So teh attitude of the week, if he chooses not to be part of my world thats his mistake, I'll be all that he will never have.

I waited anxiously, like a stupid girl wobbling on her chair I waited. I do regret all the time I've wasted on you ..

I regret knowing you, 'cause after all .. you are nothing BUT A FUCKING LIAR, WITH A STRAIGHT FACE YOU TOLD ME HOW MUCH YOU LIKED ME, YOU SAID I'LL SPEAK TO YOU EVERYDAY BLABLABBLAAA ... YOU ARE SUCK A FUCKING LIAAAAAR, YOU AS DUMB AS YOU'RE DICK, YOU ARE NOTHING TO ME ANYMORE, I FUCKING HATE YOU SO MUCH FOR MESSING ME UP LIKE THIS, I HATE YOU FOR MAKING ME FEEL LIKE AN UGLY STUPID DUMBASS SLUT, I HATE YOU FOR TREATING ME THE WAY YOU DID, IF I FUCKING COULD IF I JUST COULD I WOULD FUCKING STRANGLE YOU, I HATE WHAT YOU DID TO ME, YOU BROKE THE LAST PIECE OF ME THAT BELIEVED IN LOVE, YOU BROKE IT, 'CAUSE OF YOU MY BED SMELLS LIKE DEATH.

WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME, JUST BECAUSE YOU ACTED LIKE AND ASSHOLE AND I CALLED YOU ONE.

FUCKING COWARD ....

So okay this wasn't what I planned to write down but it happend .... I don't know what to write or how to write it anymore.

Sorry.

Grrrnjbsjflkjshlfhlhfoerhhgrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr