I love being the clown.

-I'll continue petting that one crocodile, for you are my favorite animal.-

I've cried myself to sleep yesterday. Like most of my nights, and the sluggishness of the morning that I barely can handle. In what situation I put myself anyway, right?

sometimes I myself can hardly believe how deep the problem is and the answer and the solution seems to recede ever further. I guess I thought you were there for me but when I needed you, you needed distance. And you were there when it was difficult, and now you're not there now everything seems to go to its end and I will sink in my own pity. Still waiting on my salvation, but why does it seem you're the only one I want to trust?

I'm not easy, and I will never be. Every day I know myself better, I am stubborn, I speak before I think I make conclusions from things that are not always correct, I will always assume that people hate me and every morning I wish that I was someone else but I especially wish that you are there, and I want to tell you how bad the past month has been and how stupid I've been. How much I miss you and how much it hurts me that now you won't talk to me anymore.

I saw you as one of my best friends, as someone who always was going to be there. But one day I was suddenly alone again. In six months time my heart broke twice, and I'm honest. I'm way too small to handle all these things.

Is there no piece of yourself, that sees you have hurt me a lot?

You of all people should know that I'm not a hateful person but a little sensitive girl who cares about you very much.

-I hit myself in the face and I'm fighting with myself. I hate all the pain and confusion.