I'm sorry that I am a failure in your life

I hardly find my breath, and I can't stop this river of tears. There is so much ignorance and doubt, I don't understand. I will never ever say that others are wrong anymore, that's a lesson I learned. I'm feeling the guilt every day and think I'm doing everything wrong. But if someone hurts me I want to be able to say something about it. Without all of a sudden people claim that it is my fault. I was sure that you would understand what I meant, I was sure that you would have understood, instead of raging with anger. But I was wrong and again it appears I used the wrong way to tell about the stuff that makes me cry. I'm building my own world, but it keeps on collapsing and I trust no one. Because trust equals pain. I wonder what it is I do so wrong, what part of human language I seem no to understand, am I socially handicapped? Is it wrong wanting to be loved? Is it wrong to want to make a clean sweep in your life?

I fear that everything I've seen, everything I felt and everything I've missed. That I will carry around like a ball and chain. The lack of understanding can not increase, and I fight hard against the blind. But my bomb has burst and I can no longer be silent. If a girl has no chance to prove she can change. How will you ever have a conversation that is sincere? You are blinded by past mistakes, and I am confused by your arguments.

If everything was easy and if pain would be an invented word, if love was easy and as children were perfect beings, if there was always plenty of time, if I was stronger than now, and I had done everything to make you proud. If I myself would deny happiness for your sake, and walk in the row that you want me to, then would I be the beloved daughter. I'm drowning in self pity, shame on me. I won't dare to look in your eyes. Isn't it hard enough already, do you really constantly have to make me feel what a loser I am. Next time when I call, and you do not want to record. Just don't instead of wasting your time on me.

I just wanted to reach out, but only felt how my fingers were torn off. I did my best but could not bear that I was so misunderstood. One more thing, if you really knew me then you should know that I'm always the one smiling. That I'm the sunshine in the lives of many, except yours. And people change, and I am changing in a good way. Even though you don't wanna believe it (or in me?).

Writing about my feelings here helps, it helps me to stand upright during the day and be happy.