it hurts me to see them be a family

-Reminder to myself, life goes to fast and I don't want to miss a thing.-

I lay awake in my bed, my big lonely bed. Thinking of you parenting, I feel like an orphan. I feel so alone and lost, I can't go home. Because home is no longer my home, she chased me away and I am tired of bending. She knows well enough that this is her doing but she's too childish or stubborn to do something about it. And meanwhile I'll just keep bleeding, until I'm completely empty and you desperately try to save me. But it will be too late. You point your finger in my direction, but this time you know well enough that this mess is your fault. I can honestly say that it destroys me, whatever I do it doesn't matter, the sight of your back is a habit. I don't dare to be honest when I speak of how I feel because I'm scared of you. Frank talk does not exist in your world, and reasonableness is looking far. You never do anything wrong, but that's pure bullshit. I'm going forward in my life, I learned so much, I'm growing up. But I'm growing up all by myself, you deserve no praise. I'm doing it alone, as I allways did. I'm a daddy's girl without a dad. I have everything I need but I don't have loving parents. Sometimes it feels like they hate me, they aren't proud of me. Ashamed of me .. I want to hide so their live lives easier. I am nothing, and I am alone. I yearn for a river of tears but my body is blocked. I can no longer weep. You make me break, just as humanity will do. Sometimes I think I am not destined to walk the earth. Maybe some people understand now why my friends, my real friends are so important to me. For they are all I have at this moment.

I keep bleeding, I alone can't stem the blood.