a clown with no talent

-It's all just so fucking pointless,I'm devastated

because of the ugliness and missing talent.-

I'm not afraid to die, I'm not afraid to live this ugly life. but every hour of the day my heart throbs, the screams of fearful pain. I feel trapped here, I feel every drop of blood seeping from my body as if it was the most beautiful thing I've ever felt. All the hits I get, all the walls that crack my skull... I wonder were they worth it? 'Cause every glimmer of hope they steal from me, every word feels like an obligation. I feel excluded, I feel repelled as if they see me as something broken that can't be touched. I wonder what I'm doing wrong? the little pile of misery. Her tears are like a sea big enough to drown mankind. The shame, the broken heart and rotting bodies. What is it worth?

I feel like an ugly piece of entertainment, dancing and laughing, singing and performing. I'm a handmade circus freak, I'm the most ugly being on this earth and when the show is over, I'm alone. To then be sucked into an endless stream of failure. I have no faith, all I want is to be loved, to be believed, to feel what it's like to hide yourself in loving arms. I dry my tears and I look outside, the little blonde girl lights a cigarette and reads the stupid words that are written here. I feel stupid, I feel misunderstood. I am a weeper, I can whine and scream like the best. But every time my pencil touches my pages it seems hopeful but then... always ends in failure.

Everything that arises from my heavy heart is ugly and I have no talent. I want to give up so much, I'm a dumb blonde girl who lies to herself that she will be someday ... an artist or some other word from the dictionary?