The sun is shining and tonight we party.

A small taste of my halloween-outfit, it is a combination of a cute, dead, people eating clown .. a little pink, a lot of dirt and blood. I love dressing up, I wish every day was a dress up day. Later today I'm meeting all my friends and soon we'll dance like a bunch of idiots. Dresses up, messed up and high above and never down.

I enjoy the moments with them, I enjoy my world and I love to spread it in the bad guys their faces. My world is incredibly beautiful, and I like to float around here. I want to start cruling my hair, fit my clothes and start the face painting. I'm so excited I'm jumping and dancing with joy!!!

Life is sweet ( sometimes, haha .. )

heavy weights on my head, motherfuckers

-I am my father's daughter, you'll never break me down.-

It's hilarious, it's ridiculous, it's laughable how you call yourselves friends. I had something to celebrate, I'm so happy. Yesterday I had my last injection (or we hope anyway) and my step mom called that my brother may still be okay, he would normally not have any disabilities and would still catch the gap within a few years. I had a good day, and then one by one they ruin my evening and I'm fucking sorry all over again that I didn't wanna make time for you.

I was working, I was making fun and I didn't want to spend hours talking about it. Because nobody listens to me when I cry, and none of you will then have time for me 'cause history has shown that you left me standing there, ..crying. So go get it from the fake friends, get some rubbing on the person who broke my heart.

You've stept me on my toes, by given me the silent treatment and the long face. Everyone expects too much of me, this is my life and I'd rather break my neck than still lie in their deceitful arms.

I'm no longer that girl that you can torture without apology, I finally found a sort of regular group of friends who are fucking real, that will always treat the right people in the good ways. I don't need you, I never needed you. I hope that your conscience is broken, I hope you can not breathe every time you see me.

but when I think about it, then you're all too superficial to understand. Understanding what my frightened heart is preaching. Oh, I'm just a stupid little blonde girl that fell for the fabels of a bunch of hypocrites.

This goes out to the ones who feel called upon, those who have dared to hurt mine.

speechless solitude

I'm tired, I'm alone and I'm lonely. I still think about you every day, you're an indelible stain on my heart. In this city I've only found broken love, false friendships and voids that I find are terribly elusive. Don't get me wrong I have found great friendships and wonderful people to hang out with but the pain dominates my happy thoughts at the moment. Sometimes I think I am slowly going crazy, like I'm losing my mind. How can something feel so strong but then feel so empty? Working for school is currently too much for my body to endure, sleeping hurts 'cause dreaming means you being there all the time and waking makes me cry 'cause then I realize it was all just a dream, a silly dream thinking that all you said might have been true.

Panic attacks dominate my evenings and my stomach ache makes me shudder in disgust. I am disgusted with myself for who I am because I have no idea what I should be. Because I'm lost because I'm a drowning crocodile in a pond full nets. They want to catch me, they want to hurt me I'm afraid of everyone. My confidence has been shattered, beaten to death and I feel so damn alone. I'm afraid of myself, I am able to do things that I've suppressed for so long. But my body is screaming, my hands bleeding and my eyes are tired. My heart is slowly dying. I yearn for the good days, I yearn for love. I doubt myself, I repeat, every situation every day in my mind. And then I think, maybe it's all my fault, maybe I got my finger pointed to the wrong direction. Did I helped myself to hell? I can barely breathe at the thought, the lost thoughts of this lost girl. Who the fuck am I, what I want from my life? I'm not a quitter, but I'm unsure. And that uncertainty puts a block on my hands, my given talent. I have reached out as far as I could, I'm standing on the tips of my toes. Bleeding and sweating, I keep crawling until the day my salvation comes, sweet sweet salvation.. I'm still alone and lonely but I'm smart and I know that tomorrow is another day. And I know that maybe one day will be the day that everything goes my way.

He will always be what I never have been able to eat completely, in my eyes he will always be something that has never been so great. He will always be a hero in the darkest period of the year 2010. He was never bad in my eyes but my eyes blurred, so now my heart doesn't know what to trust, but a hero he will always be..

-Pencil drawings are finally finished, now the rest!-

zombie guide, where's the sue guide ?

My crocodileskin isn't similar to that of the real crocodile but we keep trying and experimenting. The fact is that it should create a photographic image of my life. Whether it will succeed is another question .. I'm secretly laughing knowing that it is currently really meaningless and ugly. But I won't give up, I keep on climbing until I have abrasions. Haha but just not today because tomorrow I gotta wake up early 'cause we are going to a exhibition in a psychiatric hospital. Big thumbs up for my teacher's choice!

My aching heart hurts, I can barely breathe and the panic attacks are on there way. So in about 10 minutes I'll crawl deep beneath my sheets, invent dreams that temporary fill my heart with wth loving warmth.

I'm sad and I hope that tomorrow the sun will shine, wet cheeks and swollen eyelids and it's all my fault.

so sad ..

-This is my salvation, this is my love, this is my imagination, this is who I am.-

Hip hip hurray for me, yesterday I started sketching, my fingers did exactly what I asked of them. My dollhouse and I are alone in this world. We are the only real thing I can touch but I fucking can't stop caring about the others. Even though, they don't deserve my sympathy, yet I can't stop my heart to overgrow my dollhouse with loving tissue..

It's difficult to refuse a world in which you breathe, it is difficult to banish people you love. You know they're bad and you know they'll only stabb knives in your back. But still you want to find hope that somewhere, somewhere there is a token of appreciation .. for all the shit you did for them. I tolerated all those filthy tongues, I tolerated all the accusations, I did everything to make it right. But ultimately they're all ungrateful wenches.

And now I sit here just me and my imaginary dollhouse. Rocking in my imagined rocking chair , trying to soothe my mind. To calm myself down and put things in perspective, trying to prevent my fists to hit a wall.

If I could I would, I'd tore every part of me thats broken, so that you could prevail on my dead body. But I won't offer myself to the dirty rats and the ugly vultures of this city. You are ugly and distasteful, the deception transformed them into monsters. It's sad how pretty people can be so ugly, so sad ..

My mouth is open but there's no sound

-If I keep looking at it, it get more awefull by the minute .. but at least it has a wonderfull meaning to it I guess.-

I started drawing again, and again and again haha, in good spirits but slowly starts but finally I'm getting some feeling in my fingers back. I am desperately looking for solution for my doll house concept nothing seems good enough and everything else is just bullshit in my eyes. I don't even know a good way to explain my concept, what a tragedy. Haha luckily my poor head is used to some drama..

We're not freaking out, we'll just sit back and reflect, REFLECT?!

Art is really the most rotten thing that exists, I puke art. I breath art and I bleed art .. I art we fart .. I think I'm going crazy .. Haha.

This is from Louise Bourgeois, I love her and I'm sure if she knew me she would love me too.

sins are sweet

I sell myself to the empty souls, I sell myself to the stupid man. I sell myself because I enjoy the attention, because I need the recognition that I exist, because I long for the loving feeling, making people disgusted and tingle of pleasure. I freely admit I'm jealous, I want more. I will not allow them to get more then me, I want it all for me and me alone. My childish mind calling, grabbing everything out of your mouths and appropriates it to myself like it had always been mine. I praise myself, I'm everything he never will have. I'm a saint who can't suppress her lusts. If his flesh was at my disposal I would greedily make it mine, I would sin. I want to sin, I will never repent. And as a believer, a believer with blood on her hands from now on I'll speak the truth. I won't always be around when you need me, and most of the time I don't want to make time for you.

From now I live alone in my imaginary world full of sin, and waves of bloody broken hearts will overwhelm me. Tears taste salty, but I'll make them sweet. I promise I will, I promise.. this is the only promise I can keep.

I am disloyal, unstable and a masochist but I exist out of pure love.

-Pray for me.-

everyone's retard

-I'll always be in love with him, always.-

I had a semi-good week at school, it comforts me that my hard work is appreciated somewhere. Something I can't find at home, but luckily I'm sober-minded. Tonights agenda, work hard on my 'doll house' concept, and fully analyze the crocodile up to the last phalanx. I have no idea what my brain is planning with my hands. No prospect of the works I'm going to make, I'm going to let everything flow, like the blood that pours from my body.
I no longer care about what people say, I don't give a fuck what they say about me. My eyes are only focused on myself and those who deserve my love. The people I cherish, the people I can count on one hand. Those are the only loved ones.
Friday was a proof of an idle evening full of laughter and genuine friendship. The questions of the evening, as what should Simon dress up for Halloween? Can an anus suck vacuum? Is marijuana a craft for my dark soul? The answers are Steve Erwin, We don't know 'cause we didn't try it and dear lord yes it is.
I see life as something weird, the smallest things can fill the biggest gaps and cracks in ones heart, fill it with joy and love. It makes me cry with joy every time I fall flat on my face, there they are encouraging me, calling out to me that I'm the only one who can save myself from the quicksand.


It hurts, 'cause my eyes saw diffrent things. Sometimes I think it might have been better or more fun if they kept pretending to like me. But I'd rather lose 100 superficial friends then two friends I blindy love, knowing they love me the same way back.
This is a nod to the people who think I don't know about their two-faced secrets and their nameless knives. I see true your ugly packaging, so stop playing the victim. No one believes in the sheep costume anymore. I know now that you never were a friend and never will be.



My love will always be sincere, for I'll always be the retard.

I'm the retard hiding under your bed

Your mom squeezes you out of her body with all the blood, sweat and tears she has, then you're told to live your life fully. Spread your wings and fly my child, but thats pure bullshit to me. This world takes you prisoner, this world breaks your heart, this world cuts your wings and breaks you. You are expected to perform, work and live. But I quit, I've had enough. I puke on the common people, kiss my ass 'cause I'm getting my wings back and I'll fucking fly. Fly higher then the godforsaken sky, the sky we never look upon anymore. I'll let my sick mind triumph, I'll exhibit my rotten body. I want to be the only one of my kind, I want to be bad, I will hurt you. My tongue is sharp but my nails are sharper...

I'll always dance to the music of the devil, I'll always bleed the truth and nothing but the truth, nobody can stop my retarted parade of freaks.

I'll hang myself with the steel chain that you gave me, I'll cherish every vein thats silting, every breath less is a bite more perseverance. Just try to stop me, I'll put my middle finger into your anus before you even know it.

I'll fuck your minds, eat your hearts and break your bones.

If I could say one thing to you it would be

I wanted to tell you, I wanted to share,

Some important details that you're unaware

I want you to listen, I want you to care,

I'll choke to death if I don't clear the air

It's not a secret that I obsess,

And then I get angry, and then I get stressed

And you can't imagine, you can't compare,

You have no frame of reference and then you get scared

I'm doing my best to help make you see,

That it's not your fault, when I'll beg and I'll plead

It's much easier to go back to sleep,

We gotta find a place to start because I'm falling apart

I never feel happy, I never feel safe,

I can't let myself ever stay in one place

I look in the mirror and I see the face

Of a failure who will never be significant

The face that you see from morning to night

Is the mask that I put on to hide whats inside

I don't take it off until you fall asleep,

I don't want you to see what live inside of me

I thought I'd get older and it'd go away,

But it only gets worse and causes more pain

And being alone is getting so hard, I just got to tell you

God damnit, I'm falling apart

I'm down on my knees in the dark

Feeling for whatever is left

But the pieces are falling too far

God damnit, I'm falling apart

Don't leave yet, I haven't got to the part that explains at all

Don't leave yet, I need some body there to catch me before I fall

God damnit, I'm falling apart

I wanted to tell you, I wanted to share,

Some important details that you're unaware

I want you to listen, I want you to care,

I'll choke to death if I don't clear the air right now

Baby, it's only life.

She wants you to think that she doesn't care, but the traces of tears betrayed her mask of deception.

Don't let the bastards get you down, don't let them. A free bird with broken wings can't fly, a girl with a broken heart can't love. A girl that is suposed to be a free bird, with a broken heart and broken wings is doomed to die in proud loneliness.
It's wrong and not fair to be loved only when they can, it's never the same and always close but awfull far away. It's funny, it's hilarious, it's killing her.

pouring beer and earlicking music, what more does a girl want?

Want milk?!

The morning after a heavy weekend we've poured beer, soiled lungs and ate a hamburger. These are the weekends, these are the moments reminding me, telling me who I am. I can't express how much I love the life I lead, nothing can compare with the passion that flows in my veins.

We were drunk, we were all drunk. Fortunately, this blonde girl isn't facing a hangover! I thought it was great to see everyone once again. Even people I didn't see for like two years, MAN it was fucking great to see you again! We go way back, you knew me when I was 13 and you're still here that makes a retarted blonde girl like me blink away a tear. I was amused but I'm going to keep this thought in my head because you guys are nuts, but the many compliments are appreciated.

Hmm I don't feel like writing a lot today so enjoy the photos, I'm gonna be my lazy me and work for school .. arrgh !

important fact: King kurt was earlicking wonderfull dirty and fun!

During King kurt!

Muhaha, I like weird dudes.

Snowing

Love you guys!

Baby blue eyes!

Blood on my purse, Yeah!

It's been too fucking long, hoping to see you again soon!

I want you, but I don't need you...

as in the words of many, good morning sueshine,

This was the first night of the week that I've slept well, though I still look like a sick rabbit. My body roars with enthusiasm, I'm looking forward to this weekend! It's early, and it's barely light outside. But I'm already fidgeting in my seat. Dancing through the kitchen and singing in the bath.

So in about an hour, I gotta go out into the cold to do some painting, capturing the beautiful Antwerp on paper. During this period it is still okay but within a few months is gonna be deprivation and shivering. Rain or snow, thou shalt draw outside! yeah funtimes! Yeah almost forgot, dad's in Antwerp for the weekend he's got to work at old-school rockabilly psychosis night ( the thing I'm so excited about ). What is fun because he staying at my place, in other words, a whole weekend with dad doing the stuff we love to do. ENTHUSIASM!!!

Now, some differnt shit.

I know it's early for heavy words, but I am an analytical person. I'll put all my disappointments in a box, then bury the box in my imaginary garden. All bodies remaining of each friend who deceived me I will bury next to the box. Then I'll run to my imaginary dollhouse, close my doors and drink some tea. I sweep you out, I'll give you one last kiss on your forehead. I'm the captain of this ship, this is my life, my dollhouse. My favorite soap opera to watch, and nobody will change the channels anymore.

Thanks to Michelle, I came across this song, best song written in the history of my life. It's by Amanda Palmer, enjoy.

I like you, and I'd like you to like me to like you
But I don't need you, don't need you to need me to like you
Because if you didn't like me, I would still like you, you see
la lala... la lala...

I lick you, and I'd like you to like me to lick you
But I don't need you, don't need you to like me to lick you
If your pleasure turned into pain, I would still lick for my personal gain
la lala... la lala...

I fuck you, and I'd like you to like me to fuck you
But I don't fucking need you, don't need you to need me to fuck you
If you need me to need you to fuck, that fucks everything up
la lala... la lala...

I want you, and I want you to want me to want you
But I don't need you, don't need you to need me to need you

That's just me, so take me or leave me
But please don't need me, don't need me to need you to need me
Because we're here a minute, the next we're dead
So love me or leave me but try not to need me
Enough said.

I want you, but I don't need you...

I love you, and I love how you love how I love you
But I don't need you, don't need you to need me to love you
If your love changed into hate, would my love had been a mistake?
I don't know. I don't know.

So I'm gunna leave you, I'd like you to leave me to leave you
But love, believe me; it isn't because I don't need you
(You know I don't need you)
All I wanted was to be wanted
But you're drowning me deep in your need to be needed
la lala... la lala

I want you, and I want you to want me to want you
But I don't need you, don't need you to need me to lead you

That's just me, so take me or leave me
But please don't need me, don't need me to need you to need me
Because we're here a minute, the next we're dead
So love me or leave me but try not to need me
Enough said.

I want you, but I don't need you...

sick retard in the sofa part 2

Hmm I feel a lot better, I had 4 crackers with some cheese and the stomach didn't protest. My sweet little sister has brought me a face mask because my face looked like a battlefield that had been overcome by sickness, I'm hoping I will look better in a few hours. I don't understand the world, why make people look like crap when they are sick. The last thing you want is an ugly face as you're already feeling miserable. Anyhow, I'm being an old nag. Probably because I'm dead bored and I also want cheese sauce on my broccoli. But cheese sauce is not good for my sick stomach and stomach, those were the wise words of my stepmother.

Monday I got the crazy idea that I want to write to prisoners, a friend of mine gave me a website. I read and studied teh website, and hell yeah I wanna do this. Gotta pick someone right, and then we'll see. I'm going to do a project around it for school, and it wil open up my small minded world.

Haha my dad is a real bully, the whole night I was sick to death, then at 5 in the morning I can finally take a nap. So my dad decided to put my bra on my head and takes pictures of me. The silly idiot, I'm so fucking glad I'm home. Being sick alone in my studio in Antwerp, that was like a nightmare.