the retard and the treehouse

the great adventure of a blond retard girl.

may I bleed your way ?

I confirm the general prejudice and lies. It is only the stupid and ignorant people who are being attracted. Come bitch throw some boiling water in my eyes, spit at me.

I worked all day today, I hope the new series of pictures succeed, I feel a bit uncomfortable about it. I have to go through tremendous pain here, but I enjoy painting and rummaging at home. Here I have everthing I need to let go of my hands and let them play.

My sister enjoys spreading salt on my wounds, unbelievable. So young and so full of hate, I just left her today on the street. I was tired, I will not be insulted by a girl of 15, she doesn't respect me. I try to see it in the right perspective, she's often thankless but I love her, she's my babysister and we sure do have a lot of fun.

I have been thinking a lot of you, crocodiles dominate my thoughts. I feel so loaded, I wish I could just throw you away. My head doesn't turn around but bangs up and down. I think that in the end you are a big dirty liar.

You wanted a clean slate, I find that hilarious. You just want nothing and please Mr.Crocodile don't be afraid to ban me from your miserable lying life. You don't have stay 'facebook friends' just for the good appearance, I want to delete you so bad but I'll give you the honor. I so badly want believe everything that comes out of your dirty mouth, but you give me no choice. Time after time you show me what a sneaky bag you are. You and your egocentric friends, I find your generation laughable. I know what I look like inside, I'm far from perfect. But I am fair, honest love for everything I cherish and care about. Having a heart, an honest heart that's all I want. I love pain and I like to cherish, through love, you have pain. Thats just part of the game I call life.

I'm going to sit here for a while, being chained to my wild crocodiles. But I enjoy the pain and undergo the punishment because I know one day I'll swim away from the sharp teeth of these devouring beasts.

'cause we always fall in love again, we just do.

At work, rib cage, guts and stuff trying to make it on my own. Cheaper and more fun I guess.

home sweet home, ain't that great ?

-the view at home.-

I would not call that great, it's a house full of bricks. Honest. I think they have hardly noticed that I'm home. they plan birthday parties, family weekends, I guess they just don't think of me or just don't want me to come. Every year I feel they forget about me harder. I don't think of it as surprising anymore that they don't talk to me, and barely look my way. I'm here 'cause I miss home and I wanna be with them but here I am more alone than in Antwerp. Every time it is so hard to endure. I may as well be a plant in the living room, even then they would forget to give me water. I know I'm lucky, at least I have parents. But believe me this way of life, getting anything that you heart desires except the love and recognition from your parents, it fucking hurts. It hurts madly.

goddamn dad, you must be blind not to see me drown.

head high and knifes

Dearest friend, recently you are living in another world. I miss you, but I prefer to not have you around. You belong to the mucus-using, filthy vultures. That you don't want to defend me out of fear or impartiality, I think is a poor excuse. I know who I am, and I'm not cool enough for your club. I'm not good enough for your photo albums. I'm not popular enough for your status.

but dearest friend of mine, the day when you and your beautiful head end up in the gutter. that day I will be ready, for you to look at me. You will wish you had treated me better. Because believe it or not but I'm the next big thing. You see nothing in me, but I have a true heart and passion. You only have a big ego and ambition.

I tear up every rotten page in my life, nothing will haunt me and my tears have dried up. I pulled all your knife from my back, removed every blood stain. Nothing can touch me, yesterday isn't everything and tomorrow means nothing. Today is my turn. I deserve so much more than what you give me credit for. You're a bad friend.

between clutter

I found this today while cleaning, it's strange to read this because after writing it was immediately lost.

speechless one hundred times

-Like wtf dude, are you FUCKING serious..-

I know the pictures are not exactly the same, but anyone who knows me knows and saw it for a while. She copies my style, or does a good effort because it can not call/ or will not call her pictures that great. Out of the blue, she dyed her hair blonde too. Suddenly she spends every weekend in the bar where I always sit. I don't know how to react or how this should look, I don't understand you. You're a sweet friendly girl, but obviously with a hidden agenda. Sorry, you're standing on my toes and now I must break yours. This is just silly, and please do not deny it. I want you to go back to the dirty hole where you came from. I honestly thought you were a friendly person, but you've proven how stupid/scary you are.

I like you

You're different, but I'm not sure I'm ready. You make me blush, you make me happy, but I'm so addicted to the crocodiles in my life. and I would give everything, I want to show you that I really am who I like to be. You're really not what I expected, but that makes my head spin. You've got me on my hands and feet, and yet I can not give you what I would like give. I'm so honest. And I must first murder the crocodile, to make way for a great guy like you. thats the space I need I hope that is okay.. because you dominated my world, you are great.

I would amputate my fingers for a guy like you, much doubt so much heartache. I'm bleeding, and I'm bleeding your way.

the bell has rang

I'm so stupid. it took too long before I saw through your lying pink clouds. There are many people who lie, and they are sharpening there knives. Ready to attack. I feel the silent war, it sucks all the blood to my head. That makes me angry, you sneaky mouths. I want to mistreat you and show you how it feels to be the one who gets hurt. My nights are short, my thoughts long. Revert to the pain I embrace, I am a very cheerful person.

Yesterday was fun, we watched a movie together totally stoned. Even though I had more laughs with Simon his head then the movie, laughing is so much virtue. I really like laughing and smoking. It's amazing how relieved it makes me feel. Empty but in a good way. Away from all the rats and vultures who dominate my life, away from the crocodile that has torn me into shreds, away from my mom that I miss but push away. I am a girl with baggage, but I will never deny the burdens that I wear or let somebody else to pay for them.

I have many plans, I want my life back among the living. No longer will I let them sit on my head, so get your rotting toes out of my mouth. This is my life, and I will no longer clean up the vomit, and shit of others who have done wrong.

remember: A TRUE FRIEND STABS YOU IN THE FRONT.

crippled leg

Today finally dancing again, apart from the painful legs that twist in every direction ( fucking freaky ), I look forward to it. I love my own little world with my lovely friends. I wish I could ban all those sneaky fake people from it. I am a disabled blonde, Grrr I don't like it. It hurts, and I can barely step, I am very frustrated by my leg, it's heavy and does not belong in that direction. I hope the twisting stops soon, two nights and one day are to much, Grrhhmmpffbbrldkskdmmdksml..

spit, spit and saliva, weird in the bad sense woman, who has no idea. Move it back where you came from because I don't feel like bumping in to you once a week. You guys are so ridiculous, just a whole pile of alleged adults that rotate with the wind. I don't condemn, I myself am still a child who hardly knows anything about living the life I have chosen. But I can see what I see. And that big ego that your kind carries around should sometimes move and give people like us a chance. But since we do not want to deal with you ( because of the dirty looks, dirty mouths ), the ego can simply fuck off. You guys are even more fake than my blonde hair.

-Betty-Hitler mad Simon's day, Big Yaaaay for me.-

together prefixes

it's been a while ..

shitheel friends

-Little piggy, little piggy
What do you see?
You're lookin' at death
When you're lookin' at me
Little piggy, little piggy
What should you do?
I am the devil and I'm comin' for you.-

love means nothing, You should only do it with yourself. I will never fall in love again, because that one crocodile swam off with the last piece of confidence in people like him and me. I'm not as hostile as yesterday, I'm just more exhausted, breathing falls me heavily. Giving up is not written on my forehead. You can torture me as much as you want. I'll never give up, I'll leave behind those who are not worth it to be cherished by me.

I have many complaints, but I manage to always be the cheerful person you know. And never will I let a tear in your arms, never ever will I drop my mask in public again. I am ashamed, from now on I will stick firmly to my smile. I'll let the animals loose when I'm in my room, where I can fight with the walls, hit hard on everything and whip myself with my sick mind. I torture myself untill I bleed and dream quietly away. Into a deep empty dream, where crocodiles rule the world. Sharp teeth, powerful strokes, I love the torture.

-I love to draw them.-

my tears are running low

I always cry so hard with this movie, sorry for all my blaring. But I've never been disappointed so much in so little time been. My parents, my friends, myself. Endless pit without confidence. what a fucking bad day!

I stick my neck out too often. But when I need them, there is no one who sacrifices his tongue for me. Good crazy, that you think I'm going to keep doing it. Don't you think I know what's being said about me? I know you just spit on me along with others. I do know what you is all about, honestly. Everytime I make an effort and each time you just rip me open like some dead thing. You tell me I'm the one who is wrong, you make me so much pain. And I earn nothing from this massacre. you conspire, so you can eat me, like vultures, bald filthy beasts that crack and pull every piece of my body. I'm angry, and rightly so. Nobody is what I expected. I am so disappointed in this world, and the disappointments keep coming. What am I doing that is so wrong, I give much love and get back nothing. My tears are running low. The hilarious part is that nobody cares, so I will no longer let my heart be touched by your superficial friendship.

I spit on everything and I am blind.

everybody shits on my head, I'm not often reachable and have a lot of stuff to do. But at least I do have the decency to call or send a message about the fact that I have to cancel. I feel that nothing I do is appreciated. This is honestly the last time that I put effort into people like you. I feel that every bone in my body outweighs yesterday. And I'm going to end up in a landfill with toxic trash. I am my own downfall, I am empty. The pages in my book will not get filled. Sometimes I wish that I was an addict to everything that destroys a man, continue to swallow the overflow. I want to roll my tongue deep in my throat, so every stupid word that I would spit rinses down the drain. I want to drown myself in baby foam, and poke my eyes out with my pink fingernails. I am so small and so heavy I can barely keep my head right. There is no solution to offer, nothing can help me but myself, but where can I find myself? I don't want to be saved, I want everybody to stay away from me. I break everything I touch with my sick and toxic hands. Let me sleep, let me cry, make me bleed, just leave me and don't look over your shoulder.

I will repress myself, I can no longer run away from my scars. I want to give up and lay in the massacre that I've created.

emptiness of the empty

Just one half hour of research on the Internet, and this is what I found. Combine this with some clown noses and hardness ...but sometimes I wonder how far can a man go? Eventually everything is thrown on the internet.

Little girl in the big unknown city.

Many of my tears are disappointing,

I love them, and I get everything my heart desires. I love them, and they love me. But I feel nothing but emptiness and painful situations when I think of them, they try to repair the damage. But there is nothing of interest to my life, I mud around. Sometimes I go under and then they throw a rescue. But they quickly slide away when I fight with myself. I can honestly say that they don't know me, that they don't see how serious the injury is. I am poisoned for life and I give them some debt. I myself have chosen, but they were on the tip of my tongue. I'm not happy, and I don't know how often I'm going to have to cut my throat before they see what bloody heart and empty soul extracted from anger. I can not express how disappointed I am in the way of life against us. And I miss being a kid, I miss it. And I hate to see how I and my sister waste from you guys.

And I'm sorry but she is a real bitch, she disagrees with my life, and with who I am. It gets me down, and every time I let her walk over me. And every time I have to push myself to the ground otherwise it would not be feasible. I have no idea which way I should turn my head. I'm starting to hate them, but I can't grow up without them. I will have to be tougher and grab my life. And not look back behind me.

you guys give me the feeling that I'm forgotten, and I do not hear from them and I'm sick of it.

I think I have more friends who care about me than family.

He called me crocodile-girl.

-intoxication by fatigue.-

where were we?

I think from now on I'm surely going to spend more hours in bed, I miss the feeling of sleep. Just me, my mug of tea and my dinosaur book, the perfect picture.

I am sorry that I'm not there, I feel sorry for you. But if I don't go away then my eyeballs will explode and my ears will spray blood. My stomach hurts, and my body can not go on this way. And yet I can't stop laughing and my head doens't stop tickling. I miss what I could have had, and I did what I did not miss.

I got no balls to say today, Bday pictures and review of Lotje her birthday will come soon.

70% of the time it works all the time

-Hello morning, heavy head little heart.-

You beg me to my bed, your hands are always everywhere. I barely know you, but apparently thats no requirement that is asked. I'm not in love with him but his focus and his enthusiasm makes me think. If I eat the meat on offer and then throw it away for the next victim. Am I just filling the painfull void with empty pleasure? Am I satisfied afterwards, or do I become greedy and want more. Can I be like them, and yet remain myself? And he continues to beg, I go crazy. He wants what he can not get, and I say no. Maybe tomorrow, who knows. The consequences of that pleasure are big mister.

I'm just a little girl, maybe you'll have to sleep somewhere else

tonight...

...and yet I don't think I can do it, I'm too smart to crawl into bed with someone I don't find interesting. I can't touch you if I find that you don't understand who I am. I don't know, you're there but you're so empty. Ye're so normal that it disgusts me, but why should I not make fun with you.

I get stomach ache from you.

sing me this lullaby, boy

heart disease, vomit

-I'm pushing pills in my throat, to justify the bad things.-

Hmm I've misjudged my chance with you I guess, but that was not quite intended. But secretly, I walk away from everything that could hurt me. I like to build cages around me, protective in my own world.

I'm giving you one more chance, and I will show myself as I am. Even though I think you will never understand what I'm all about, who knows there is more to that crazy smile? I have so much and so little to say. I know my heart doens't belong with you. But I do feel what you want to give me, and it is time for me to open my mouth. And taste the freedom of not loving souls.

Pff, sometimes I wonder what I'm looking for. I would love to find unconditional love, but I fly high and murder slow. I want to share with nobody but secretly I want to find a sick mind that I can let inside mine. But once you know my sick mind, will you be able to keep in your intestines? Can you still sleep with someone like me around you?

and we continue to drool

I'm sad, or perhaps it is the music that is doing it to me. But anyway I'm disappointed in boys and girls, man and women. I am a bit of a runaway gun sometimes, there will always be too much tongue hanging out of my mouth. I just love talking, especially with other weird people. Even though I'm socially handicapped, I've done well until now. I do everything wrong, but as I am. I will learn from my mistakes, but I'll never change.

Dress me, I'm your puppet. Put a big pink bow on my head and push me in your most tight dress. I am your doll, I have nothing to say. Let the snakes and rats play with me. Let them devour me, nobody can stop them. Can I be saved? Salvation is near?

I really have no idea who I am. I eat the meat everyday but never enjoy it. I will not point the finger for I am the biggest mistake I ever made, the figment of my being. I wish I knew who I was then I could stick to fish and memories.

although I will always bear the scars, I deny the existence of myself.

Thank god for dancing, the only thing that fulfills all my desires.

Mmm, you make me shiver and scream of pleasure, your music makes me wild.

drooling and tickle

-little girl, big stomach.-

The morning after a heavy night, I crawled into my bed about 07.00u I think. I'm so lazy and I just sit here staring. That night was unforgettable, something weird happened. I was gone from this world, I sank in 'atomic clock' by Monster Magnet. My eyes were open but I saw nothing, my ears were filled with music, but I heard little. I felt empty, but in a good way. I try to describe it , but it is impossible. What a fantastic blessed feeling . This was something I'm never going to forget, and I'm never going to be able to explain.

later today I'm getting my new log, that say's done with the endless drivel here? And back to serious work, drawing, painting, photography and self-torturer.

Parsing the crocodile an ugly beast with great strength. I voluntarily expose myself to the pain that these animals produce, obsessed in a good way that manifests itself in beautiful work.