tight pants and ugly hair, and some together prefixes

-I find this a very good comparison with the inside of my skull, empty but still very full.-

I love the bad periods of centuries, I love anything which is considered marginally cool.. I guess ...! School is tiring, it's not bad but it is not good. It is somewhat out of balance, 'cause my head is like an abandoned building at the moment, a bit confusing and empty. I'll find my way, because I always do I guessI just gotta stop running from myself! So just to clear my head a bit, I started making shirts again, it can work very relieving and enriching!

-The result, yaay for me ?-

When I loose my way I always listen to this song don't ask me why, but the song is asking what I want to ask. I think art is like bullshit, all that talk about action and reaction. I just want to puke my feelings on paper, I want to piss on people's heads, I want to cry and bitch at people in a less confrontational way. I want to show myself as I otherwise never would. But I do want to enrich my world with your drivel .. I have no blinders on, I just want to follow my own stubborn path, I'll see what the outcome is.

So here are some new together prefixes,

This is a tribute to my lost brain, I hope it finds it way back to me soon. My sweet sick brain.

Made this one a few months ago, crocodiles are no longer what I thought they were. For maybe I am the crocodile in my life, yeah I'll explain this later!

my warpath is bright and bloody

-WAY TO COOL FOR SCHOOL, HELL YEAH DUDE.-

Rats are after my blood, the snakes in this city wants to strangle me and I already see the vultures flying around waiting for my decaying body. I surrender myself, I spread my arms and legs. It is every man or woman's sentence forced to play the hypocritical game of mankind. I observe, I learn and I enjoy. My sick mind and I, I cherish it.

Here I am on my uncomfortable chair waiting, waiting for a creative cramp. Art is so obvious and so ridiculous that it makes me puke, I hate art. But art is important and intrigues me, I won't deny that. I confess that originality is a myth. Everybody looks through his/her eyeballs differently.

I dance to the tunes of the hard drum and sneering guitars, dirty greasy rock'n'roll that I embrace since I wore diapers. I am made to riot, I was made to hate or to love there is no middle way. I will always thrive, I will always roar and I will always be the person who is hated by many but loved by those whom I please, and that's all that matters.

I have recently acquired the amazing talent to wiggle in my seat, and if all goes well I'll soon have a portrait of Lux Interior and Poison Ivy tattooed on my leg. I'm drooling allready, it's going to look fabulous I just feel it!

Hmm school, I would like to work around my own life, or in other words about the people around me. The heartbreaking beaten up, broken friendships. How a subculture can die, and passions are lost. The void between people, the invisible crowded voids. I'm babbling, but this might go somewhere or nowhere at all ..

The assignment is fucking hard, give me one more day. Tomorrow I'll blow you guys away. Today I'm just gonna simmer down haha .. I told you so, art is a cunt job!

-Having fun during class is very important, haha-

crocky-wock, the crocodile !

It's okay, it's always okay.

The turbulence of the recent months has finally turned into a gentle breeze. There are busy week a head of me, I must adapt to a new rhythm, heavy stuff ! Normally I was going to a gig tonight but I'm a bit sick so I'm comfortable at home. Looking at the moon with Laura, and staring at my tv-screen. Lazy sundays are not always the best sundays, 'cause I'm missing comfort food and a good movie !

So I'm just muddin' around on the Internet..

"No animal is half as vile

As Crocky–Wock, the crocodile.

On Saturdays he likes to crunch

Six juicy children for his lunch

And he especially enjoys

Just three of each, three girls, three boys.

He smears the boys (to make them hot)

With mustard from the mustard pot.

But mustard doesn't go with girls,

It tastes all wrong with plaits and curls.

With them, what goes extremely well

Is butterscotch and caramel.

It's such a super marvelous treat

When boys are hot and girls are sweet.

At least that's Crocky's point of view

He ought to know. He's had a few.

That's all for now. It's time for bed.

Lie down and rest your sleepy head.

Ssh. Listen. What is that I hear,

Galumphing softly up the stair?

Go lock the door and fetch my gun!

Go on child, hurry! Quickly run!

No stop! Stand back! He's coming in!

Oh, look, that greasy greenish skin!

The shining teeth, the greedy smile!

It's Crocky–Wock, the Crocodile!"

-Roal Dahl-

-I totally dig my new 'indoor' shoes my dad bought me!-

like most kids of my age I'm invisble

Like most kids of my age I'm invisible,

But that's okay, I think I'm quietly recovering my inner self. I used to be that confident girl, nobody could drill me in the ground with his or her big mouth. I dared the world and I blew down everyone who stood in my way. I feel that I'm going back to that girl, I dream of a life that will suit me fine. I'm going to do great things and show that my head is anything but empty. So hey world!, here I am again put your feet up your ass already. And get ready for starting position 'cause here we go, and we ain't coming back!

What a pity that every effort I put into my life, is like a black hole on the retina of the people around me. Too bad but unfortunately I have decided that I won't let them stop me. I know I'm on the right track, and people can bombard me as much as they want, and although they are neglecting me sometimes I refuse to get on the wrong path again. Life is too precious, that's why I only go straight and not sideways. People may ridicule my lyrics, or maybe even find them disturbing. But here I can get lost of my truth, here I can find my daily discharge. The only thing I ask of the people around me is to be there for me, to speak when I make a mistake, to let me know on time when I'm putting my foot wrong. So I can correct or improve my ways.

Yesterday I had my second injection, I hope that if my health keeps on gettin' better so I can collect all the energy I need in this life. I'm happy to know that school has began again, so I can give myself again fully.

Life is like a sandbox, it's what you make of it!

I love this guy, there is so much more to it then what people see. He trying to tell us something that even I didn't see at first.

your nostrils are ugly, as your conscience

I opened my mailbox today, and then I had a heart attack. There it was, his name in my mailbox. He disagrees with the fact that I used a contour which refers to him. But boy, what are you doing on my blog? What are you searching here? You're not recognizable, so stop the grumbling allready. It is not the time of year to function as a barrier. That function you should have had months ago. It took a long time before I saw what a pathetic liar you really are. And I'm glad I can now throw away all that fucking pain and whether it is on paper or not. That will be anything but your business!!! Stay out of my way, I am not asking for your whining. I want you to dim, and disappears far away from my bubble.

Put your head in your anus, and reflect on your sins boy, 'cause the next time you stain me I'll let my crocodile tear you up.

a bowl of cornflakes and a syringe in my right buttock

Miss retard got an injection today!

Day three, so far it has been a very boring schoolweek. I find that I really need to adapt to the new rhythm, I'm really tired. Today I had to visit the doctor again, they still have no solution for the itching. But my first injection of vitamin B12 was put. So only 5 more to go, I fear it will be torture everytime! I'm already hard at work for school, I'm peacefull if I can work in my journal, I'm happy when I can express myself in what I call 'art'. I feel relieved, in my head I said goodbye and I made room for myself. For the next two day we have to do some kind of workshops at school, and then the weekend is there. Little rest, and printing all my courses for class. I won't bother complaining any longer, it's more worth trying to change things.

my last word to the assholes of the evening

You guys think of yourselfs that you're great, and maybe you are. And just maybe under the heavy ego you carry around there is a wonderful personality. Today I was watching a show of someone with talent but I was blown away by the stench of gossip and rolling eyes. I know I make mistakes just like people do I guess. But I come in peace, and if you don't want to know me thats okay, but you have declared war on the first day that your eyes had spotted me. Your world is great, many friends, many privileges, very talented people all thrown on a mountain. I have always had great respect for the things that were done. I still have respect for the production of many of your hands. But the way you treat others and myself. The way you strut bothers me. Enjoy life, worrying and gossiping just makes you tired. Ignoring hurts and makes no sense. I don't ignore, I'm just ashamed. I crawl into a shell because of your constant attack on my appearance and personality. My personality that you do not know. I lose friends because of your base that excludes me, away from the one I miss.

I'll no longer tolerate your stank, I'm stabbing my fingers into my nostrils and I'm just going to forget you guys are alive. You are a waste of of my fresh air.

Farewell negative bags full of dirt, goodbye to the bitch, goodbye to the cheater, farewell egocentric dude, farewell gang of losers. Goodbye and enjoy your life, for sure it will be filled with everything you love, fake or not we will see. And if I'm wrong I'll buy you guys a beer in 10 years.

I say goodbye to everything that stinks!!!

I'm sorry that I am a failure in your life

I hardly find my breath, and I can't stop this river of tears. There is so much ignorance and doubt, I don't understand. I will never ever say that others are wrong anymore, that's a lesson I learned. I'm feeling the guilt every day and think I'm doing everything wrong. But if someone hurts me I want to be able to say something about it. Without all of a sudden people claim that it is my fault. I was sure that you would understand what I meant, I was sure that you would have understood, instead of raging with anger. But I was wrong and again it appears I used the wrong way to tell about the stuff that makes me cry. I'm building my own world, but it keeps on collapsing and I trust no one. Because trust equals pain. I wonder what it is I do so wrong, what part of human language I seem no to understand, am I socially handicapped? Is it wrong wanting to be loved? Is it wrong to want to make a clean sweep in your life?

I fear that everything I've seen, everything I felt and everything I've missed. That I will carry around like a ball and chain. The lack of understanding can not increase, and I fight hard against the blind. But my bomb has burst and I can no longer be silent. If a girl has no chance to prove she can change. How will you ever have a conversation that is sincere? You are blinded by past mistakes, and I am confused by your arguments.

If everything was easy and if pain would be an invented word, if love was easy and as children were perfect beings, if there was always plenty of time, if I was stronger than now, and I had done everything to make you proud. If I myself would deny happiness for your sake, and walk in the row that you want me to, then would I be the beloved daughter. I'm drowning in self pity, shame on me. I won't dare to look in your eyes. Isn't it hard enough already, do you really constantly have to make me feel what a loser I am. Next time when I call, and you do not want to record. Just don't instead of wasting your time on me.

I just wanted to reach out, but only felt how my fingers were torn off. I did my best but could not bear that I was so misunderstood. One more thing, if you really knew me then you should know that I'm always the one smiling. That I'm the sunshine in the lives of many, except yours. And people change, and I am changing in a good way. Even though you don't wanna believe it (or in me?).

Writing about my feelings here helps, it helps me to stand upright during the day and be happy.

I will never be who you are

Finally the tears are flowing down my face, finally everything is coming out the right way. I can't endure this anymore, my body no longer can bear these heavy burdens. They make me swallow heavy stones, while I lay here bleeding. They'd rather stabb their toes in my ripped open wounds, I'm being tortured for the mistakes of others. I don't deserve this, I'm too young, too young to experience this. I'll be glad when this year is over, one year of pain and disappointment. I'll never forget what they did to me, and I will learn from these moments. And I'll be stronger, I will stand above the monster in this life. I no longer fear the dark spot under my bed, no monster will ever make me feel small again. I curse the day I was born and I praise the day I am reborn. My skin is torn, but I sew myself back together again and again. And everytime my seams are stronger, and my scars fade faster.

everything is plastic and I want to burn it

I am tired, I'm sick and I wanna scream. People are the most deceitful and conniving creatures on earth. You think and feel, you hope your friends are true friends but often you have more plastic dolls in your life that show no emotion and don't support you when ever you need it. I've had it with human social rules, and the huge number of prejudices that are being made. I will no longer count on anyone, I'll do it alone. I must do this because I know I really am what I am. Everything I spit out my throat is bright and I obliged myself never to spit troubled again. In this life you stand alone, you must do it alone, all alone. Once you realize that it will hurt like hell. But it is better to bleed then to stuff your wounds with endless betrayal. I am young and bitter, I am a weeper. But I'm proud that I'm a lucky one who can see the contents of people right away. If you want to play with me you'll have to get up earlier. This lamb sheep has resigned of being the scapegoat. Do not get me wrong, I love life and I want nothing more than to be happy. But these dark shadows around me are in the way, I must first remove all the blood that has spilled on my deck before I can continue with my little blonde retarded life. I like to be the clown, the little girl. And I'll continue to be who I am despite the excesses of my behavior and my appearance. You can say what you want about me but if you give people no chance to let them shine, you have no right to speak. I hate that some people have everything they want, and got it in the most vicious ways. And what makes others so special? Is it because they are so in your face that you feel small enough to believe they are more then you? I don't get social rules these days, I just don't. I wonder if humanity will ever die because of stress and loneliness. I've already decided to isolate myself, I'll lead my life the way I want. You can all go fuck yourselfs with you fucking ridiculous demands of humanity. So from now on it's Betty-Sue, books of the library, tea, smoking, painting, drawing and My Blog. With these words I turn my head and I'm going to read in my new book about a sexy serial killer or something ...

Dedicated ( in the good way ) to the ones I love, and I have to see them being hurt by evil shadows I'm fighting too.

you're the crocodile on my back

-WEBCAMWHORE I AM, YES I AM.-

I want to tell you that the way you live isn't going in any direction. I want to say that if all I felt was real and everything felt like you had assented. That was what people search for, then this was bigger than it ever could have been. But if all shows to be a big lie, and things are not as they occur. That would break my heart into a thousand pieces, then there is no canvas or paint that can save me, no indulgence of art will keep me on my feet.

I was convinced of your sincerity. But at the end of the day you've cheated the girl in your life and devoured the girl on the side, left her broken. Not that it touches you, I think the farther I remove myself from you, the better to your advantage. How fortunate you are that your lies won't spill on your life, although you deserve no better. But I let time prove itselve. For who hurts on purpose gets it back right between the eyes. I think I love you, I think I honestly care about you. I will not give up, but my love will be buried in my heart.

The last month, all I got was lies and deceit, I deserve much more than I get. But I see what I see, and I want what I want and I want my crocodile. I will catch it and then release it in the back of my head. I shall cherish and love it for as long as I breathe and think of him.

I can't say goodbye, not yet. Time heals all wounds they say but this wound is so deep. I don't know where to begin. Devour my heart, and ruin my life. I will always be grateful.

lazy retard

I'm almost not surrounded by clutter, I only have to do the bathroom and I'm ready. But I am very lazy today! While cleaning I found notebooks (again) with lyrics by me. Strange to read this after almost an entire year. Hmm what a fucking weird day.

PS: Michelle I love you like a sister, you make everything in my world turn so easily. You deserve so much more then you get, you are pure of heart. Thank you for always being there.

it hurts me to see them be a family

-Reminder to myself, life goes to fast and I don't want to miss a thing.-

I lay awake in my bed, my big lonely bed. Thinking of you parenting, I feel like an orphan. I feel so alone and lost, I can't go home. Because home is no longer my home, she chased me away and I am tired of bending. She knows well enough that this is her doing but she's too childish or stubborn to do something about it. And meanwhile I'll just keep bleeding, until I'm completely empty and you desperately try to save me. But it will be too late. You point your finger in my direction, but this time you know well enough that this mess is your fault. I can honestly say that it destroys me, whatever I do it doesn't matter, the sight of your back is a habit. I don't dare to be honest when I speak of how I feel because I'm scared of you. Frank talk does not exist in your world, and reasonableness is looking far. You never do anything wrong, but that's pure bullshit. I'm going forward in my life, I learned so much, I'm growing up. But I'm growing up all by myself, you deserve no praise. I'm doing it alone, as I allways did. I'm a daddy's girl without a dad. I have everything I need but I don't have loving parents. Sometimes it feels like they hate me, they aren't proud of me. Ashamed of me .. I want to hide so their live lives easier. I am nothing, and I am alone. I yearn for a river of tears but my body is blocked. I can no longer weep. You make me break, just as humanity will do. Sometimes I think I am not destined to walk the earth. Maybe some people understand now why my friends, my real friends are so important to me. For they are all I have at this moment.

I keep bleeding, I alone can't stem the blood.

I'm not liking this anymore.

-For I am the biggest retard.-

Alone I sit in my sofa, watching a scary movie. I miss him, this is what we did, it hurts me. I still can't believe how things have gone. I miss a void, I miss something that never has been real. When I think back, it feels different I find myself getting stronger everyday. But love, broken love is still there. I still have no idea, how will I heal my wounds? How do I straighten myself in this crazy world? How do I restore my confidence? My heart is so big and my love never seems to go away.

I find it strange how things toss, how young lives can be destroyed only by emotional wars. To die of a broken heart is like dying of hunger, you keep craving and you never stop searching.

I am clear in my head and today I bought the most expensive but beautiful coat in the shop. Just cheering myself up with material things I guess ... I am speechless and broken.

Amsterdam's conquests in a bag.

bus to Amsterdam, hostels, sex museum, KFC, hookers, coffee shops, hookers, coffeeshop, tea, sweet cakes, coffee shop, whores, hookers, coffee shop, sleep, youth hostels, breakfast, whores, milk shake, smoking, coffee shop, burger king, .. It was sunny, warm and fun. Next stop is London or Prague.

Yes it was a very educational trip.