The last one of the year, blablabla

-Ready to make em drop dead!-

The last of the year, I can't say any more than it's been a bumpy year again. This blonde retardted girl swims through the waters, fighting with sharks and surrounded by crocodiles. My smile is something they will never diminish, and my heart is a lost organ. But one day I will find what I'm looking for, one day I will be worshiped the I should be!

Yeah yeah I hate corny stuff, BUT ALRIGHT ... HAPPY NEWYEAR MOTHERFUCKERS !

when retards are to blame, part 2

My eyes are swollen from crying and I'm drowning myself in a bath with pink bubbles. Little retarted blond girls like me are sweet and have a ridiculously soft heart but still they get dumped time after time. It seems she's doomed to be the lonely one, he sang that there's no mercy for the lonely boy. I ask myself why are you being so hard to the lonely girl then, if all you wanted was to be heard and loved. Why push me away, why are you so unattainable?

I spend all my days with you on my mind, and I get it this is how a heart feels when it broken. I don't think I deserve this punishment, why should a little retarted blonde girl be in so much pain because she cares about you?

I'm so speechless but the words fall from my tongue, I'm hurting so badly, I'm bleeding and I wonder can I bleed your way? Or is this really the end of the short but intense pleasure that I feel for you, do you really want me gone? Are you're tired of me already? Or is this just a cruel game that you play?

I repeat myself again and again, I'm sorry from the bottom of my heart. I wish you were here ...

when retards are to blame

I can't explain how much it hurts, how my heart can no longer bare this torture. Now I've been crying since yesterday and haven't stopped since, I'm being ignored and my dirty mouth is to blame. I didn't look through my eyes and saw only my inside, for that I'm so sorry. I miss him already, I miss his presence. I'll try to wait patiently waking up everyday hoping he still cares. I refuse letting this go, have you ever had the feeliing that something so wrong and out of place seems to be so right? I'm so scared I've ruined everything by my own stupidity. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't think and all I wanna do is lie on the cold floor and let go of everything that makes this body breathe. He haunts my mind, there's no second that I don't think about him. I'm on my knees, hoping that he will forgive me, hoping he'll see how much I care but silence speaks louder than words and I'm afraid that he doens't want me anymore. I'm honest and I need you, I'm honest and I'm alone. I can choose any other, but you're the only one I want.

I don't know maybe he wants me to give up on him, maybe I should .. it pains me, it makes me cry. I'm afraid I don't want to, I don't want to give up on him.

I've seen better days, but I got to believe he'll be back, I got to believe he'll see that I spat out the words I never wanted to say. I have to believe he knows that this girl has been refusing every lover on her path until the day she met him, he has to .. he just has to ...

And if he doesn't then scrape me off the floor because my sad heart can't do this anymore, ...

no words needed

I can't be more honest, I'll keep crying until it's all okay again. My tears are flowing down my face for you and nobody else.

I wrote you 'cause I was hoping you would read it, and because I'm a retard

My eyes are swollen and my tongue will tell all, every secret that my heart contains. I don't know where I stand, and the tears flow over my pink cheeks. My heart stopped beating and I need something to open my eyes. I guess you just don't want me, I think you make me insecure.

I'm falling for you, and it feels like the harder I fall the more you push me away. I don't fucking understand it, I don't see it and I can't help it. Why would you sleep in my bed and then act as if you and me don't seem to be anything?

My mouth just spits the truth and my heart yearns for what I find so wonderful about you. I want everything you have to offer, good or bad. I don't think you know what you've done to my head, and I ask you don't walk away, don't leave me bleeding like this ..

I was never happier than the day you talked to me, and nothing was so overwhelming then your lips on mine.

I just can't let this feeling go, and if that means I must play the fool, I will and if that means I must suffer pain, then I'll suffer. I'm so afraid to throw my feelings in your face. I'm afraid you'll just run away.

I barely know you, but that was enough to make my head spin. You do things to me I would never allow but for some bizarre reason, you can. For some reason I'd let you in, for some reason I'd let you see inside my rotting heart. I have no words to say what I want, and I know this is a risk. I wanna reveal myself to you, but my fear runs deep. Kiss me, kiss me hard. Tell me I don't have to fear rejection, tell me all your words were honest and your lust sincere. I wish you could read my mind, I wish you could see my smile every time I think about you. I wish my heart didn't hurt by the uncertainty I feel.

I know I must be real about this, but I don't want to and I don't care all I want always seems to be what I can't get.

It feels like I'm just sitting here doing time, looking for a sign.

I got this fever, this nasty fever for you boy. Come and be my cure, write me a thousand songs and lick my toes, making me giggle.

I don' know how your blood flows through your veins and I don't know how ugly your tongue is but I'll show you mine if you show me yours.

Until the day that I grow up, my fingernails are painted pink

The morning after, I think I'm still loveable haha!

Help help, the photographer was drunk and wasn't able to find her feet! After many glasses that I've left behind at the bar, came the walk of shame home. It has been a very long time that I couldn't control myself and had to ask for a helping hand. I always stand my ground but this time I was in some bad luck. It must have been a funny sight, and definitely a photo opportunity, haha ! I like not being responsible for my actions (or making people believe I'm not), and I love being young. First I was ashamed but why? Yes I was a fucking mess, I was literally on the floor and everything around me floated. I'll promise myself never to do this again to myself, I promise myself to do this a thousand times over and over again. 'Cause I wouldn't be young if I wasn't passed out, sitting outside on the floor beside the door of the bar where we wear our hours. I wouldn't be young if I would know my limits and I wouldn't be young if I didn't made a fool of myself with grace and a smile!

Jolly fragments of images, they are floating in my head. I smoke a cigarette, drink my tea and listen to the music that over and over again makes my heart beat like a psychopath.

Like a cat without legs I climbed in my bed telling myself: "the last of the great finally lies in her bed, goodnight princess retard."

Babbling these lonely nights away

Today was the last day of the stressful week, so to celebrate a good friend of mine treated me cigarettes and hot chocolate. As usual I had a mouthful to say and the hours flew by. The wise words that filled my ears, my eyes were opened and my tongue was dry. But the doubt swirls in my head and I don't know how to handle myself around the problem.

This is the problem, I want to bite his ears and put naughty words on his tongue. But I don't know if his tongue is trustworthy, and the eternal doubt and uncertainty makes me vomit all his saliva. I've been lying here for days now, crawling, tossing and turning, crying .. drenched in my own blood. The masochist in me is eager to make use of all tortures. But the little blond girl in me cries out for attention, screaming for his affectionate words. He seems unreachable and grumpy, he seems reluctant to share his tongue.He looks dead and I think I now know that I just made the last attempt. I think I should let it go, and maybe he'll be crawling back, licking my toes making me giggle. I can't stop smiling, and I'm making a wish secretly, secretly I yearn. And one day I'll get what I want, and as little girls do, I'll be licking, kissing, cuddling and loving it for as long as I feel these weird things I feel.

I'm a real weeper for love and a whore for art, but I never find what I seek, and when I do they don't see my invisible me. I won't be chasing you no longer, I've started running so come catch me if you can...

I'm so babbling this night away, I'm just so not me at the moment. Oh what a shame I'm just talking to myself again. I guess I'll just have to satisfy myself if they ain't comin' around.

So here's my goodbye, my see you lator ... and I would have blown you a kiss but you just don't deserve any.

I'm not as blind as they would like me to be

After a turbulent night, the answers are still far away and very realistic concerns caught me by suprise. But I can't help to laugh, In this life I stand alone, and finding a lover is the hardest thing, 'cause I ain't searching Haha. But I know that one day I will get rid of everyone's ugly heads and then I'll strike them with astonishment. I know I'm invisible right now, but give me some time and I'll rip you all to shreds. I'm not just that little girl, I'm that little blonde retardted girl who doens't bend for the ones who try to intoxicate her with pink saliva. To me it seems everybody is suffocating trying to exsist, but I hop through life and I prefer the pain than act like I don't care. I'd rather be a weeper then a liar, I'd rather be a a murderer then a backstabber. I prefer being on my own, I prefer not to trust people anymore. But my perseverance is more like cotton candy, I will always be caught in the golden cage of lies, sweet talk and them who will grant me my desires to then run away. But the torture is known and the lesson almost learned. I got greedy hands and a wet tongue, but those awkward moments will be the ones I cherish. I will never beg or please, and I refuse to crawl on my knees unless for the purpose of enjoyment.

I had to vomit at the thought of all the saliva in my ears and fingers in my throat. Gladly I'll sell my soul to the devil, with pleasure I'll break all your toes, prop me full of pills, tie me down to my bed. You will never touch my sick mind, I'll drink my poison everyday.

I'm a mess you'll never be able to put straight.

Im a mess, what can i say?

Im a mess every night and day

Im a mess if i go to work

Im a mess and too big of a flirt

Im a mess when im laying down

Im a mess when im out of the town

Im a mess whats it all about?

Im a mess so just put me out

Im a mess when i talk on the phone

Im a mess if im all alone

Im a mess and i drink too much

Im a mess and im so outta touch

Im a mess when you are around

Im a mess and im falling down

Im a mess when im thinking of you

Im a mess and im turning blue

Im a mess, Im a mess, Im a mess....

-Fabulous disaster-

fool I am

-Retards have more fun but get fucked up to much.-

Why do I always bang my head against the chests of the tortured men with no conscience. Why am I always treated so unkind, it kinda makes me laugh now. Am I really this piece of meat, and all they want is just a taste... And then when I meet a guy who to me looks mighty fine I just know he will get rid of me that's for sure, I was good enough for sharing them nights. So I can't help thinking, just take you're guitar and get out of my fucking sight. I'm not a toy, I'm nobody's baby. And if you want me you'll have to crawl, if you want me you'll have to do more then sweet talk me when you're drunk. If you think you will impress me with your fancy suits and strumming that guitar so fine, if you think your dirty words will get the job done. Oh my sweet boy you're oh so wrong, why can't you see I'm this twisted girl that can twist so fine if you would only care to have the time.

I will never surrender, but you make me drool. So stop letting me feel like I'm a fool.

I sigh, of all the assholes in the world I liked you the most.. but I'm afraid you just lied you're face of telling me how much you liked me, I guess this is just what blonde retards like me do.

After a while it just starts to get funny the way they play with my mind, Oh lord what can I say .. I'll always play the fool!

I weep smiling

I can't help myself I can't resist, the tears flow down my cheeks, they are still salty. I feel so useless, I'm so tired of walking alone. My body hurts and the shame dominates my thoughts, I humbly kneel down and put my head between his legs. Hoping his hands will caress my blonde hair. I just close my eyes and hope that one day, he really will be real to me. That the illusion in my head will be clear and not blurred. My reflection is hard and ugly, bleeding I drag myself through life. My reflection is a failure with the incredible talent to hide her heart and never asks for what she craves. I'm not what I seem to be, I'm a big lie. Nobody wants me, it seems to me I'm a damaged piece and just to broken. Spread the news, quickly hurry the dirty tongues and the vultures will be eager to crush me. Oh the sensation .. I'm still on my knees, I'm nothing and I obey those who want to destroy me. I yearn for pain to feel I'm alive, I want to see blood drip on the bathroom floor. I'm afraid of myself in the dark hours. I'm a curse for your ears and a lump in your heart. I feel the constant urge to run away, like I've always done.

In my chest is a gaping wound, a black rotting heart. I can no longer beg, I'm so tired. I'm no longer afraid of my disgusting bones and I'm not afraid of my self-inflicted pain. I tried to kill it, but I remember every second of anything which helped me further into my world of damnation. It's clear to me, good things come for those who wait. But I'm tired, I'm really tired of it all.

I'm so sick of always being trouble, I'm so sick of singing the blues, I'm so sick of being sick.

There are no words to explain why my body repeatedly smacking the ground can't no longer swallow all the dirty fingers. I'm alone and the thought of this reality is frightening, I ask you one last time, lick my tears. If it's not to much trouble .. lick em and take care of poor me. I'll always weep smiling, I'll always be grateful and I'm honestly really happy. But deep inside, there's no lies, deep down, everything is broken.

Go ahead an put me back in my cage.. I said GO AHEAD AND DO IT!

All I can say is nothing.

This is me being sick, haha ..

I woke up drenched in sweat, sick as a dog. I hovered over the toilet and saw the color of my cheeks disappear. But I totally dragged myself out and I was on time for my jury and I did well, sometimes I can't believe I doubt myself so much. Being sick isn't that bad when you can lie in the sofa under your favorite blanket, with some tea. My stomach is hungry, and my fingers are uninspired... My head hasn't been this empty in months .. maybe this is my way of gettin rid of all the stress I had. I'm just such a waste of space at the moment, like the dead flowers in my bookcase.

I'm an empty bag, a useless sack of guts. I'm confused and happy at the same time, isn't that weird? Pff I can't write I'm wondering what the hell is going on ... Maybe just try again in a few days ...

Slave girl. from Betty-Sue Depreitere on Vimeo.

I like this one the best, I should make some new when I get better.

there is only so much that this mouth can do ..

My dolly dollhouse, this is some new work I made. Bleeding parts of a house wrapped in plastic, silently crying like the thoughts in my head, trapped. it looks better in real life, it's one good start I think! They should only be better prepared and more dramatically .. but that's my opinion. Haha I'm very insecure about this work, but I am about all my work. I wonder sometimes if my fingers are properly used and if I'm not just trying to be something I'm not ... but then again I don't have a fucking idea what I should be AArrrGghh I think the fucking nerves started to kick in .. I'm about to scream. Time for tea and a sigaret !

-this is a still from the baddest trying to make a short film thing ever ...-

Wordless silence and hungry eyes, I can feel their fingers picking at my wounds. They adore my glistening meat in front of them strutting these streets. I can only bite my lip anxiously, waiting for he who will bring my salvation, he who will licks my toes with his crocodile tongue. I can hardly wait .. your heart and my greedy mouth.

I'm confused and I yearn, I'm unable to write down what I mean ..

sugar laced talking and tea

The craving was too big and my fingers got greedy, my bed was warm and his hands were sweet. Oh dear lord I told myself so many times, no guys, I told myself never to let love crawl down my door, but it was too late. His hungry eyes trapped me. I'm desperately unhappy and incredibly enthusiastic, he's close but far away. He doesn't seem interested in my ugly tongue, he wouldn't or maybe wasn't able to hold my rotting heart. But I feel that I want to eat him, I want to lick his wounds to the bone. I want to hold him and promise him my world will swallow him in the puddles of blood that I've created. I want to wake up and stare at his bloodshot blue eyes, I want to wake up and forget he exists. I wrap myself in the eternal torture, I wrap myself in the damned words he should have never spoken. I want him to turn his back on me, I want him to break my heart. Each toe that he licked I wanna tear of my feet. He makes me crave for more, he makes me giggle, he makes me happy .. but I know that's only temporary and the quiet hours after he left are terrible. The uncertainty in my mind that he has brought is painful, I don't want to be uncertain. I hate being in this state, I hate this so much. But I can't keep my hands to myself and I know I'll lure him to my bed agian and again,.. I want him to tear me apart, I'll voluntarily undergo the torture that he has in store but as long as he keeps running, it remains an unattainable longing and lust for this littke blonde girl.

I lie on the ground and I breathe, I whisper his name and break my fingers. I'm back to wasting all my blood, I'm bleeding to death and there's no salvation anymore... not this time.

Today I'm very melodramatic...

These words have been burning on my lips for weeks, so here they come...

This year has been a rollercoaster of bleeding fists, broken hearts and broken bones. And on the way there have been many who have cared for me, many who have mistreated me and some that broke my heart. I felt like I was standing on an edge, a depth that to me was invincible. Looking at the scars that I have to drag through my life, licking the wounds that are still healing. After all the blood that I've wasted I know better ..

I voluntarily and knowingly bombed and destroyed many of my bridges . I spewed out all the vultures and rats in my life. I refused to be their victim of superficial torture. I have brought this evil on myself and now their eyes kill me. But it's okay, they don't know me so it's okay.

I survive this life thanks my dad who means the world to me, my father grabbed me at my lowest and pulled me up. My father usually has no idea what I'm talking about, but .. he always knows when I need to be saved. No other in this life has burned his hands so hard by stabbing them in to the fire for me. I know I maybe don't tell you often enough how much you mean to me but dad you are my hero, I would amputate every part of me with a blunt knife for you. My gratitude is more than words can describe, I know at times I'm difficult, I know I'm demanding ..and most of the time a pain in the ass but I am so grateful I'm you're daughter. I love you and I'm so proud of you ( you know why ).

I survive this life thanks to friends who are still around, even those I hardly see and the ones I hardly speak with.

You guys ... It's hard to analyze up to you to separate people. You guys are my fucking world, my friends who never left me hanging. Guys what can I say. Hours you listen to my complaining, you catch me when I fall, you defend me when I get fists on my face. You guys mean a lot to me, you guys are the best friends a little blonde girl could wish for. I don't know how to express myself without you guys making fun of me, haha ... You are no mealy, corny boys so it's hard saying sweet thing to you. But you know one for all and all for one. I hope this can stay this way forever.

The ex, you have torn me apart and broken my heart and put me through hell, but you are forgiven you are a friend now and I won't look back. I just won't care anymore 'cause you have shown me that you still got my back after all the shit we went through.

The guy I used to live with, You know who you are.. (and if you don't then oopsydaisy) you were there every day when my world collapsed, I've often thought of you anything but a true friend. But I now know that not everyone screams as loud as me. And I'm grateful for your wise words that filled my ears when I was sitting in the living room crying, and although we don't hear or see eachother as often as before, I will never forget what you've done for me. In my heart you are a friend and always will be.

The girl who lives in my block with the long black hairs you're unbelievable, you're like my other half sometimes. The love I have for you, I cherish you as a sister. We have cried a thousand tears togheter,we have had dark days and didn't know how to fix our terrible state of mind. You gave me the most beautiful summer, and since you are in my life I feel like I will never be alone. It doens't matter how hard I'm screaming and banging my fists through the wall you never seem to walk away from me, you embrace my defects you hug me and then you always say it's all gonna be okay... you make me calm, you reassures me. Thank you for everything.

Little miss vixen. You are the most valuable asset in my life, to meet you again was the best thing that happened to me. You're the rock in my life, you were my salvation. Without you I would have rotted away a long time ago. I was ready to jump but you ruined the morbid thoughts being a huge cushion that broke my fall. You make every day better when you're around, you make me happy and strong. You make me feel like I can do anything, thank you my love.

All the people I've met this year, I've rediscovered my life and I'm so grateful. You know who you are. I'm grateful for all the support I get from unexpected quarters. I'm always surprised by the unconditional love I get from people I barely know. The listening ear that they offer and how they always show me that I am doing well. I ask no forgiveness for my sins, and I'm grateful for everything that happened. I will keep dancing on the dirty rock'n'roll that licks my ears and I know my destiny in this life. I'm a wild one and will always remain a wild one. This little blond retard hopes she has chosen the right words to tell everybody how much she appreciates that you're here. Yes I'm not good at this stuff ... I don't want to forget anybody, but I probably did...

PS: I like you coming over here so I'll hope the conversations are even better .. blablabla yeah damn crap hahaha I'm gonna shut up.

stupid girl

A stupid little blonde girl, she lays her head on the ground and she cries. Her eyes were blind, and her heart upset, how could she be so stupid? She is a fool for all the beautiful fabrications that she had fabricated. There were many protests against her desires but she let her heart flood with his words. As suddenly as it came it was gone, I craved him. But I'm not enough, I'm not like the girl that they want. I'm just not the girl your mother would approve.

I'm looking for all the things you crave, and I feel connected to your empty heart, I would love to be everything you deserve. My head screams your name, I hate this. I have to run for my life, I must run away from the pain that is possible and then I'll drink away my obsession. Fuck it's too late, why am I so stupid?

I am thoroughly bad, I want that guy and I have no reason why.

This life offers me everything I want, but the desires are ignored and love keeps running away from me.

I beg you ... break my heart a thousand times and tell me you love me. I beg you, mistreat me and be the guy that I've been waiting for. I'm lonely, I'm everything I knew I would be.

I want to read your words, because they might mean more than you think.

slave girl

Slave girl. from Betty-Sue Depreitere on Vimeo.

I'll let you chain me and I'll crawl on my bleeding knees I'll crawl for you, my bones crave your lashes. Touch my rotting heart, let your fingers slip. Touch my empty heart and let the blood spill.

When you're mistreating me, you're pleasing me. My head is spinning, scream at me make me shiver. I can no longer restrain myself, my lips burn with desire and my hips sway on the dirty greasy rock'n'roll. Abuse me, I'll be sweet... I will never love you, but I'll always yearn for your abuse. I know you're scared, tear my heart out and embrace the gaping wounds. I know your scars hurt but I will lick them to ease the pain. Come over here, I'll stroke your hair and I'll comfort you. My bloody fingers will caress your cheeks.

I'll be your slave girl, I'll be your baby.