would you drink my saliva?

The snow has finally dropped. we drag ourselves out, braving the slippery ice. My room may be called suffocating, my brain is bubbling like boiling water, my tongue hanging out of my mouth and I'm steeped in my own drool. I'm a klutz, I have no idea how to approach this life. I waste my time and stare at my ugly face, I stare at my body that in my opinion looks more like an overflowing garbage bag, I crush my cigarette into a pile of stench, poke myself a few times in my belly. Grateful stinging tears fall from my weary eyes, my tongue still hanging out of my mouth. My dreams are dirtier every night, my bed still empty on the other side. I sell my soul to the devil and embrace the sins chained to 'poor me'.

I wanna be invisible, so I can haunt you in your dreams. Everyone's life is in one way or another hell, everyone has to crawl through the mud. Everyone has bloody knees, broken bones and rotting hearts. There are only a few that have the tongue and the guts to stand up again, to rise again. If they kick, they will kick low but I'll fucking keep standing up. The blood pours from my body, my body is a target of traitors knives. But looking back, I'm grateful for the torture. I think their ain't no better lifelesson to learn, then to keep banging your head against the wall, keep kicking and screaming! I'll never give in, never again I will ..

I sell bullshit, I preach about sex and saliva. I'm a failure, a battered blond girl. I have no sympathy for myself, no more because I know better.I cherish no hatred, I have no resentment, it would only make me more tired. So just so you guys know, your endless whining and prejudices, lies and deception is nothing but an insignificant thing in my life ((Haha but I couldn't resist to write it down).

PS: My writing sucks these days, I need some FUCKING INSPIRATION FAST.

handkerchiefs and books on the floor

My grandfather told me once that I'm a devils child, that I wasn't even worth it to lick the dirt under his boots. I'm a nobody in his eyes, an unborn child or so he had preferred. By rummaging in the old family albums, I realized something. The plastic smile, the ugly hearts the goddamn egoists. I'm maimed by their ignorance, the inability for them to be a decent human being. The ugly wounds gape at me, the cane of my grandfather banging on my door.

The memories have been haunting me for days, it hurts. They are incredibly far away now, and I have banished them forever but the loss hurts me, knowing that they are not under the ground to rot, knowing that they prefer to deny my existence then to love me, they think I'm a disgusting creature. They don't wanna know who I am.

The remains of the plastic wrappings still burn my skin every day, endless nights, folded hands and praying in my bed. As a small child, every evening. As a small child crying in the corner with blue cheeks, you brought this upon yourself, this is Jesus punishing you, they yell in my ear.

The rending life, I'm poorer than most because my heart doesn't know the meaning of true love. I'm a poor lover, I can't love. I have no love for myself nor for another.

I close my eyes and I see what I don't wanna see. I place my hands around my neck trying to strangle myself, but I give up, my hands aren't strong enough or is it my inner self screaming for air. Secretly, I know that the bullshit of the past just might be a lesson for the future. But they played with my head, they got me maimed. I'm a little damaged.

I can't fix myself, I'm useless. But I'm the most beautiful, ugly, broken and useless thing that you can have in your life. They call it positive thinking, breathing is what I need.

blue cheeks, no thats a lie it was only one cheek!

everybody's talking shit and I don't wanna talk to anyone

I don't give a fuck what they think, I won't care about anything, I live my life and anyone who's gonna bullshit can buzz off. The're pulling my nose and breaking my toes. It makes me disgusted that I can't be and act as I please without endless criticism. "I hate him." "I can not stand her." "She/he is not nice."

You know what?! You can put all the comments in your ass fucking jerks.

I'd rather pour acid in my ears than listen to you crying, I'm not a monster but you people drive me crazy, I'm really going mental here. It doesn't need to be such a problem, it's never good for anyone. Am I not old enough to choose my own friends? I'm so angry, you all are really so incredibly shortsighted.

I'm childish, I'm socially a retard and I'm too impulsive but I love people for who they are. Seems to me that ALL of you apparently are still learning about that or just refusing to look at the inside.

You should all be ashamed of yourselfs, I don't care about it or how you do it. But if nothing is gonna change this will be the expiration date of friendship. I'll simply leave you just as you are, I don't need people in my life that get me down every fucking day.

Done with the bullshit, ...

cut my wrists and color them pink

Spoiled little blond girl, small and spoiled (Rob Zombie is noted on the agenda and my smile is incorrigible). Today is the day I'm going to tortured my lip with needles. ( Just got a message it will be for another time Mmrrgghhaaabllleegrgrggrrr ... pffft fortunately I'm in a good mood today!).

I'm not broken I'm just a baby, I need to be touched terribly painful and gently. I'm not your baby, I'm not your entertainment for I am the angel that will be your salvation. I'm dead inside, I died the day I was born in that house full of anger. I lick my wounds, I worship my scars. I'm not ashamed of my mistakes not anymore.

I know I'm young, but I will wait. I don't wants those assholes anymore, I got tired of playing the mistress. I''ll sit here and bleed, waiting for him. Like a real man, he must be young, stupid and mean. He must like his women bad, not cheap. He has to be nothing like the deceiver of the past, he should be real and touchable. I don't want him to be mine, but his love must be so pure that it would kill me.

I want bad romance, I want dead roses and I would especially like rotting candy, so come on honey, shoot me with your best shot, bang bang.

love is like drugs, addictive

I must learn to stand on my own bones, I have to drag this fucked up skeleton all by myself. I am a baby, nobody's baby. No soul crazy enough to do this in my place, doesn't matter how sweetly I blink my eyelashes. The charms are lost and I'm left to the horny vultures of the great city I live in.

I'm trying so hard to explain myself that the time is now, not tomorrow. I must convince myself that I'm much stronger on my own bones. I don't need to change the eternal masochist in me I can let her live a free life, she may suffer, and the sick mind can take the upper hand. As long as I promise myself to not let her take control, it will be just fine.

I don't know what I want and my head keeps spinning like a crazy psychopath. Blood, pain, tears and happiness,

My body, my being, who am I? I'm looking for a goal in my work, in my life. I'm sure it's hiding somewhere between the folds of my brain.

I must learn that being the lonely one could be a blessing. I'm looking for that one guy, who knows he's close or far away. But I don't need that guy, I must learn not to need him. I must learn to love him and leave him for what he is. Bleeding in the streets I'll say goodbye to him, I'll look lovingly over my shoulder for a last look.

I'll tell him with a smile: "I'll see you my love because I love you on the liberating way it was meant to be".

He will know that my hands will be there to stroke his hair, he will know that he still may come and lay his head on my lap. But I am a free bird, and he is too.

I yearn for love, but I will fucking not let myself be mislead by empty brain cells. I want it pure, I want it as a drug, get the stuff up my nose and let it multiply in my body.

angry is the new happy, assholes

-Grrr, they did this, love was always

cruel but never so unfair.-

Of course I'm mad, I have been lying here for days like a dead rabbit waiting for the fucking flies to eat my body. I can't believe something so suddenly was gone so brutal and sudden, what arrogant bastards actually walk on this earth? I'm fucking tired of people who entitle themselves to fucking take all my lollipop and leave me crying.

Eternal torture as punishment, that's what I want. They deserve no better. It is impossible that I'm a dumb blonde, so tell me why fucking why all those pricks are using me as a plaything? I don't give a fuck about what's going on in your world, I don't care. You can't just roll over me to then leave me like a dog that got beat ...

You can't just use me when you need to or feel like it . I hope they choke on their own egos, that they drown in their own vomit and are strangled by their own dick. I am so angry at the world, and all cocks in it.

betrayed by friends: 7-0 for them

cheated and lied to: 2-0 for them

given false hopes and dumped: 10-0 for them

Aarrrghhh, fuck this.

ugliness is revealed

This is a photo from last summer, it makes me quiet. It's ugly, like all off the pictures where my presence is found but .. it reminds me of the immense memories that I have collected. I can fill each day with a picture that tells about me, ..

I hate people, people are stupid and useless. People are a disgust, I hate them so hard. They just don't seem to want or can't ?! understand me, they don't see my pink sweet insides, they don't listen with their ears, they all stink, they have ugly teeth and their tongue is the dirtiest thing I ever saw. I hate their fingers that steel everything from me, I hate their ego that always bruises me, I hate them. You should all be ashamed of yourself, go pick on somebody with your own size fucking bullies. The only thing thats left to do is staple my mouth shut and amputate my fingers, starve myself....

but I'll sing glory from my lowest, so bring it on you liars, sluts, assholes, pussies, stupid fucks, ego trippers, cheaters and heartless bitches.

I hate his guts

by Tracey Emin

No school for this girl today, the few hours sleep have left their marks and I deserve a nap. We are looking at a busy afternoon, evening and night but I'm looking forward to it. I see now what they wanted me to see, I'm feeling the stuff I need to feel (Even though my heart weeps for the lack of words and silence.. ).

So now all I need to do is get myself ready for an intensive dance class, and another dark night working until the sun comes up in the same room/mess with Mss. Vixen so I won't be alone thats a good thing! I'm thinking cheap wine and cigarettes ..

But once I got back from the shop all I had was a bad tasting bottle of booze in my clutching hands, it was cheap but so are we. We sell ourselves to the empty souls with their eyes staring longingly, we are spreading our legs in the name of art. We are dirty and smelly, we are the handmade freaks, the outcast. Proud of our individuality, sadistic as we are we'll never stop our parade, our ridiculous parade of rotting meat

by Tracey Emin

saliva and tracing paper

My tears are dry and the little blond girl is happy. The creative spasms of the black night is reassuring. The bleeding fingers and lungs full of smoke are secondary, my tongue has been burned by my sadistic tea. Sometimes I'm manic, the melancholic moments from earlier have long been forgiven and forgotten.

The blonde girl, she exchanged it for a greater obsession than love. She no longer believes in love but yearns to have a heart that is conquered, being tortured is all she knows. Many want to consume her flesh, but she chooses, I chose the solitude, waiting for him. Loneliness is better than all those dirty fingers filled with empty brain cells. My eyelids are closing from fatigue, but I can't stop dancing, I can't stop wiggling. The rhythm of the music takes me to places that are my secrets I will never share. The eternal lust for what is so far away, the unbearable feeling of this retard. I see the disgust in your eyes when I come over and show you my tongue. I want you to let me know how ugly I am, I want you to tell me how sick I am, I want you to torture me until I cry that I love you. I want to pull your hair out and bite your ears, I want I want I want I want I want I want ... I drool at the feeling that he might be closer than my eyes can see. Oh what is he doing to me, I'm crawling on the ground. Humbly as a cat that purrs.

Haha it's clearly time for bed,

Lator alligators !

This is some new work, it's in progress. But so far I'm liking it!

a clown with no talent

-It's all just so fucking pointless,I'm devastated

because of the ugliness and missing talent.-

I'm not afraid to die, I'm not afraid to live this ugly life. but every hour of the day my heart throbs, the screams of fearful pain. I feel trapped here, I feel every drop of blood seeping from my body as if it was the most beautiful thing I've ever felt. All the hits I get, all the walls that crack my skull... I wonder were they worth it? 'Cause every glimmer of hope they steal from me, every word feels like an obligation. I feel excluded, I feel repelled as if they see me as something broken that can't be touched. I wonder what I'm doing wrong? the little pile of misery. Her tears are like a sea big enough to drown mankind. The shame, the broken heart and rotting bodies. What is it worth?

I feel like an ugly piece of entertainment, dancing and laughing, singing and performing. I'm a handmade circus freak, I'm the most ugly being on this earth and when the show is over, I'm alone. To then be sucked into an endless stream of failure. I have no faith, all I want is to be loved, to be believed, to feel what it's like to hide yourself in loving arms. I dry my tears and I look outside, the little blonde girl lights a cigarette and reads the stupid words that are written here. I feel stupid, I feel misunderstood. I am a weeper, I can whine and scream like the best. But every time my pencil touches my pages it seems hopeful but then... always ends in failure.

Everything that arises from my heavy heart is ugly and I have no talent. I want to give up so much, I'm a dumb blonde girl who lies to herself that she will be someday ... an artist or some other word from the dictionary?

he should be ..

I have a whole calendar full of things to do, and I always succeed in doing nothing. I'm sometimes a really incredible sloth. But my head is so full of nonsensical pink bubbles. I don't know, I can't explain. It fulfills my wildest dreams but it's so shaky. It is important, but maybe not. Lately I've pushed people away, I fought and eyes got gouged out. But I'm stubborn and will enjoy the solitude, silence is your punishment a sweet smile is my revenge. My friends are who they are and I know they will not fade under my flow of revulsion, I am a difficult creature but I know that if they like me for who I am, that it will be okay. But it must be okay, I've put my hands so often in the fire for the salvation of others. Maybe it's my turn now, to be cared for and loved.

He's so adorable, he's so far away, he lives only in my mind and I'm going to blush.

Someday I'll stroke his hair ... maybe. I look with longing eyes at the sight of the imagination that is in my head. I know what I want, I know what I need but I wonder where he's hiding?

I looked under the bed, I stood in a mass of people. I looked up and I was already bleeding and totally neglected, I searched for his face. I seek him still.., he should lick my wounds. He needs to carry me and help me dodge my blood puddles, he would have to torture me with joy. He would have to be everything I ever wanted and ... more.

And he should joing me tonight, watching some horny music and getting drunk at Monster Magnet.

He should be ...

I'm stupid

I'm a mess, I'm not sure if I should first breathe or think, I can't remember if I should eat or drink. I'm a heap of misery that clings to things that seem to be invisible. My thoughts scares me and I look at myself with the critical eye that I inherited from my grandmother. I'm a loser, an outcast in this life I call my own.

I sit here staring out of my window, I sit here like a trapped animal consuming, destroying myself. Where is the energy that I often have to suppress, where am I? After the endless stream of three long nights filled with nightmares, I'm tired and I want something, I wished for something that I can't speak about.

My brain is bubbling with concoctions that indicate the craving. I'm a dreamer and when I close my eyes everything is perfect, when I close my eyes the blood flows my love. Deep inside my dark mind everything is all so beautiful, in my dreams I'll slurp all the pain. I don't mind to wear what is not mine, come on over here I want to help. I want to console you, just lay your head on my lap and I'll stroke your hair.

I will never heal your wounds I'll only lick them, I won't stop the bleeding but I promise I'll make it more beautiful then it ever was. I couldn't care less how ugly you are, 'cause with blind eyes I will look at you. I will not judge the victim of life, I will never judge that which has touched me deeply.

I'm ugly, and just like the other broken hearts in this world I will remain ugly. I'm talking to myself, I'm talking to a void that is empty.

I feel so ugly today, I feel like a piece of garbage.

please take note, I'm going crazy

-Old picture, still feeling the same shit haha-

I'm alright, it's all okay. It is all fucked up, but it has never felt so good. I think I'm going to get a heart attack from happiness, I am torn but it does not matter. My heart is sick, my heart is broken but I don't care anymore, I'm dancing through the streets and I sing every day. I'm happy with all the shit that I have, I'm so fucking happy I could kill myself. I hate every second of the day, and I loathe people but my smile is unstoppable. I hate my life but my life is the best life that you could desire for. People are dumb creatures and liars, people can't be trusted. But people is something you need, you're no one without people. If no one recognizes that you are alive you might as well be dead. I scream as loud as I can, I fight with the walls, I'm punching all the walls around me untill my broken bones are healed and I enjoy every stab of pain that rages through my body. Everything must be destroyed, destroy everything, I don't care anymore. I'm happy, my heart is pumping hysterical. I'm confused but I want you, yeah you. I want you to come and rescue me from my damned world. Take me on adventures and show me what I've missed.

Show me, show me what I missed and love me like an obsession ..

happy pills

-I am a fickle creature, but I know what I want. And I won't let myself be te flood of human misery, the lost dreams and abandoned hope. The painful memories and the tears that sting, I don't want to have regrets. I want to open my eyes and be blinded by the sun. I want to swim in the mass grave that I created, without any sense

of compassion. I will always swim against the tide and keep on burning my bridges, and I feel alone in my world. It's the worst kind of loneliness when you know, that you're wearing a mask in order to please others. I yearn for complete freedom, for a world that is mine. I seek the warmth that I never knew, I yearn more each day for what I could never touch.-

Everyone I know tends to go away, and if they don't I'll push them away. I can't deal with human emotion, I don't know what love is 'cause I was never taught. I do feel that I long for something but I can't grasp it. I wanna see my blood on the carpet, I wanna throw my fists into the wall. I want to lay my head on the floor and I wish I could torture this skin body I'm in. I can no longer suppress my sorrow, today is a black day. I don't want you to care anymore, and I don't want you to scrape me off the floor, I don't want kind words, I deserve a slap in the face.

I got nobody to blame but myself, but they are the torment that makes me shiver, I so abhor. The unreliability of man, continued stabbing in my back. I have so many scars, I wonder how it will ever get any better. I feel so different than others, I feel so left out of the world. I feel like a loner, a pathetic loner. All my bridges have collapsed and they we're destroyed by my hands and sharp tongue. My poisoned soul no longer wanted to stay in his cage, he escaped and told the truth and now everything is broken, it's all gone now ...

I'm a damaged girl, I'm not what I should be. The standards of the normal world refuse me. No one will ever know the disease and the deep sadness in me, my black holes that I voluntarily have received with open arms. The eternal sorrow, the eternal drama of the blonde girl with tearful eyes. I'm always the smiling girl who looks sweet, and I will always be, but the pink exterior hides my dark sad inside. It makes me fight with myself every day .. and I'm so tired. I don't know who I am, and I can't remember who I once was. I know tomorrow will be better, but it seems the rain will never stop. The thunder in my head is coming and the storm is only getting worse, there's a tidal wave of blood coming out of my throat, I'll try to concentrate, concentrating to breathe.

Now just give me those happy pills ..

I confuse myself

Away from the rats away from the vultures of the big city. Cozy on the couch with my Lucy and in the other sofa my babysister is busy searching for the most bloody horror movie she can find, she beginning to look a lot like me.

I find comfort in being home, even though my parents are never here it doesn't matter.

I have a problem, a problem of a constant thought that I can't banish from my mind. I call the thought "it". Under my feet there are pink clouds created by a ridiculous fact that may not be real. Pink clouds make me insecure because I see something, and I definitely feel something but it wouldn't be the first time that I make a mistake. But without errors and without pain my breathing would be useless. I sit quietly in the sofa for the first time in weeks I am calm, I don't know why. Well thats a lie, I do know why but I ain't gonna tell ! My secret, my cute little tough secret. It was a cold day, a long day. My teachers expect so many things from me, and I'm not sure I want to fulfill their expectations. Somehow I understand what they want, but it's hard. Art is such a shitty job, and i refuse to do it !

Weird day, weird girl, weird me ... I want my own world that would be way more fun.

retard explaining

retard explaining from Betty-Sue Depreitere on Vimeo.

my first short film for school, not finished yet got to change stuff but this is a preview.

I think it should be without sound, but everybody says the laughter makes it better, so I'm not sure what to do ...

Without sound it would be what I want it to be ..

my ruin will be my salvation

I don't need the pain, I feel no need to beg. I wear my heart with me in a glass box, my disabled heart that was broken a thousand times. My scars are so visible that everyone can see, everyone can see my heart rotting. I don't care what they say, I can't care anymore. I'm alone and I float back and forth, I have no friends I can call my own

Nobody sees the truth and nobody knows how much pain I swallow every day. My wounds gape at me, my soul yearning, my eyes tingle and I would love to jump. My eyes cut open my cheeks with sharp tears, how I would love to give in. In my view, everyone is the biggest asshole, everyone is a liar. No one is honest with me, they lie and deceive me time after time. That makes me so scared, I'm anxious and I can't breathe. It feels like a boulder on my chest, and everybody is staring at me .. no one will help me. They would rather see me suffer than to reach out their hand. The people around me are only needles in my eyes that sting, I'm alone, I'm fucking alone. I'm broken and full of shame left by the hungry vultures of this city. My hands are still cold and my body trembles. If there is a god above, if there is someone I want to know why? Why a little blonde girl deserves so much pain? I keep screaming until my lungs fail, because I want to know why. I want to know why I can always taste but it never is fully mine. Why do I get the eternal torture, why?

I hang my head and I hope that tomorrow the sun will shine, I'll wait patiently and hope every day that there are beings who care about me. It still ain't right to just love me when you can, it will never be ..

bullshittin' the day away

(Stole this song from my sweet Michelle's profile, I'm in love with this song.. I'll marry it someday !)

Amputate my fingers and drill holes in my brain, I can no longer touch. I'm angry, mad at each phalanx, I am stuck, I'm fucking stuck. And the Ducky boys are yelling in my ears that it's a fine day ... but I don't seem to get that part ?!

I ask myself why today nothing is moving forward but secretly I know what's going on, dumb blonde retard!

I sit here with my hands in my hair, I drool out of ignorance and I wait. I'm addicted to pain, I'm addicted to the torture of love. They pull my hair, my fingers strangle me. It hurts me, every blank sigh, excruciating pain to always be the brokenhearted girl.

I want to run away, I want to be alone. they are better than me, and I'm just a pathetic creature that makes their entertainment. I'm no more than a piece of meat that is damaged, a piece of meat that nobody wants to touch. I'm confused, I'm blurred, I want to disappear never to return to this hellhole. 'Cause all I found here is just loneliness and disgust.

People are the most disgusting creatures on this earth. My tears hide my fingers and I can't write because off the panic attacks, they fucking dominate my evening again, and again ...

I'll wait, and I'll believe the lies.